I.N.S. Deports Santa Claus on Christmas Eve

News International

(NLNS)—Mr. Santa Claus, well-known international religious figure and Christmas-time distributor of toys to children world-wide, was apprehended by U.S. immigration authorities and deported to Mexico late on the evening of December 24.

Santa and Mrs. Claus, who had been making toys at the North Pole for centuries, had recently relocated to Mexico. Their advancing years, rheumatism and proximity to the American children who were the largest users of their services, were cited as reasons for the move.

Santa’s toyshop has done very well in Mexico, where Mexicans actually respect their senior citizens and life in a small Mexican village, was very pleasant for the Clauses.

On December 24, a new line of toys having been produced, Santa loaded the sleigh and harnessed the reindeer, kissed his wife goodbye and started off on his appointed Christmas rounds. He proceeded to ascend the sky, crossing over the border at San Diego. Mr. Claus noticed that there was a border fence, which reminded him of the Berlin Wall of previous years, between two supposedly friendly nations, America and Mexico.

The passage went smoothly for Santa in his first journey over this border in North America. After all, it was the night before Christmas and good will to all has long been associated with this holiday.

Unknown to Mr. Claus, his movements were being monitored by American immigration authorities. His passage was deemed as highly irregular and in violation of the standard border-crossing procedures. All persons crossing the border must stop at the American border gates. When Santa failed to do so, an alert went out to all police.

The FBI and other American authorities called into question Mr. Clauses identity: was this the same Santa Claus who for centuries had entered the USA from the North? Several surveillance aircraft were dispatched to track his movements.

Claus, who had always had a compassionate attitude towards the poor, had noticed the increase of homeless families on the streets of wealthy San Diego. He had also never forgotten the homeless Mexican farm workers who lived in the fields of San Diego County. Giving toys to these two groups, as well as many other impoverished children, fulfilled his sense of the true meaning of Christmas. Allegedly related to a Prophet from Bethlehem whose father was an unemployed carpenter and who himself was born in a barn when his parents were turned away from an Inn, Claus felt that his mission was to follow in the footsteps of his antecedent and become a champion of the poor.

The United States authorities were befuddled by Santa’s comings and goings, as he was observed giving away toys and love to one and all that evening. Claus was violating the rites of capitalism by not charging for the toys. The capitalist “free” market had to prevail in San Diego, even on Christmas Eve.

Claus also aroused suspicion by fraternizing with the Mexican farmworkers, speaking with them in Spanish, which he had been learning in his new home. The U.S. government subsequently ordered their agents to halt what seemed to them to be a “radical” Santa from completing his Christmas deliveries to the poor of San Diego.

Immigration and Naturalization Service (I.N.S) agents apprehended Claus as he was delivering some toys in Southeast San Diego. His sleigh was forced down in a toxic chemical waste dump. Upon demand to produce a passport, Santa claimed he had been a “citizen of the world” from time immemorial and that a passport identifying him as being of one nationality would be a burden in his profession. Claus also failed to produce a green card entitling him to legal residence and the right to work in the United States. Claus was placed in handcuffs and shackled as his sleigh and reindeer were impounded.

At an arraignment before an Immigration judge, Santa was found to be guilty of illegal entry into the United States. Claus, who refused a court-appointed attorney who had advised him to plead guilty and throw himself on the mercy of the court, cited a centuries-old precedence for his actions as he had long been distributing toys to poor children in America and elsewhere on Christmas Eve. The Judge, Will B. Grabbing Peoples, a Ronald Reagan appointee to the judiciary, made the discovery that Santa had made an illegal crossing. The judge found that his political Christmas philosophy was tantamount to an alien doctrine of sedition. The sleigh was judged to be an illegal flying machine which posed a “clear and present danger” to the U.S. air defense system.

Since Santa was stateless, the court claimed no alternative but to deport him to the nation of his choosing. Since Mexico, unlike its northern neighbor, has a tradition of accepting individuals who were stateless and prosecuted elsewhere, Santa was driven in chains to the Mexican border at Tijuana with a busload of other “illegals” and released into Mexico.

Upon his return to his new home in Mexico, the people there welcomed him as a triumphant hero. Many locals expressed the feeling that Claus was one of them, that he had joined the ranks of the poor working people who were unwelcome in the land to the north, which had originally belonged to them before it was taken away over 140 years ago.

Many American children were unable to receive their customary toys and other presents from Santa Claus in 1992, a year which also marks the 500th anniversary of the start of the European invasion of this ancient continent. American children will be hanging up their stockings in vain. The spirit of Christmas having been declared contrary to the advance of “democracy” and a “free market,” Santa has been declared persona non grata and has been placed on the list of foreigners who are not allowed to enter the United States.

News International can be reached at 6161 El Cajon Blvd. #4, San Diego, CA 92115; (619) 696-9351.

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