MAN'S SEXUAL NEED OF WOMAN AND THE SEXUAL HELP A MAN NEEDS FROM HIS WOMAN IN MARRIAGE. COPYRIGHT © JANUARY 14, 1995 All rights reserved. Copyright © 01/14/'95; 01/12/¹96; 01/14/'97 (Revised) By L. Tyler P.O. Box 620763, SanDiego, CA 92162- 0763 oldservant@delphi.com lovenchosen@hotmail.com 1. AM I EXAGERATING MY SEXUAL NEEDS AND TRIALS, ESPECIALLY IN THIS TIME OF SEPARATION? Vital Haynes M.D., Urologist cited below, gave his view and solutions for a male like me. Dr. Priesman M.D. (Endocrinologist) told me that what I describe next is normal for men with moderate to high testosterone levels in their blood. Please step into men's shoes, look through men's eyes, feel men's feelings, sense men's needs and then pray compassionately for men, and may God have mercy on all of us. What a shame most women have no idea of what the average male's testosterone sex drive does to him. I believe it is almost impossible for the average woman to understand the 1 Cor.7:9 burning that a middle to high testosterone blood level male experiences due to his testosterone. Granted about half of males have low mid-range to low testosterone levels as well as nocturnal emission, so they have little or no problem turning off or on their sex lives. The low testosterone level males may have a great deal of difficulty turning on their sex lives. Women have no idea that the sex drive in that half of the male who have mid to high testosterone levels in their blood is as strong and compelling as the hunger drive when the stomach is growling and cramping for lack of food; or as the thirst drive when the tongue, throat and mouth are so dry it is even difficult to talk; as the rest drive when it is impossible to keep the eyes open or the body erect due to utter exhaustion. These same women would not normally ignore such hunger/thirst signs, nor say that they would take cold showers and exercise to overcome such hunger/thirst signs. If they chose to fast, go without food and drink, by the second day they would be too weak to do their daily work and chores, and by the third day they would be too weak walk far or stand for long periods of time. As one who has fasted and prayed three days without food or drink, I know. Yet they fault the mid to high testosterone blood level male for not being able to ignore his compelling sex drive and do without. When the men who are not blessed with natural nocturnal emission (wet dreams) have gone without sexual release for several days, the prostrate becomes so congested that it begins to squeeze shut the urethra so they cannot urinate normally. The effect on the brain is that those males are so distracted and distractible, especially by anything female, that quite literally their minds could be said to be weakened in that it is very difficult to concentrate or focus on necessary tasks. If women could think of their nasal sinuses being so congested that they cannot breath, or of the problems with urination that a woman has with urination when 8 or 9 months pregnant, then maybe they could understand the problems prostrate congestion can cause. Without release, ejaculation, they could become so distracted and distractible by anything that, as with too much alcohol, their judgment and thinking is impaired and foolish (risky), dangerous (AIDS,HIV) or irrational behavior results. A high testosterone male who lacks the discipline of virtuous ethics and morals can be pushed into the full hunter/warrior mentality to find release forthe testosterone induced emotional turmoil/burning he experiences.Such a male, having had no release all week, finds himself planning and strategizing as a hunter/warrior to find his prey that weekend. His testosterone crazed thoughts are entirely selfish. As the rogue lion stalking in the night knows the water holes where his prey gathers, so he stalks in the night seeking female prey to devour. No thought of the females needs or wants except for how they can be exploited to achieve his purpose, the conquest and devouring of his prey. He knows what bait and lures to use to get her on the hook. He says what he knows she wants to hear for her to let her guard down and be vulnerable. He does the little things that will win her confidence so she will let her guard down. He takes her to the place where he can charm and disarm her, free from herfriends who might recognize what he is trying to do to her. He looks the way she likes, talks the way she likes, moves the way she likes, so she decidess to risk it in hopes that at long last this is love! Lonely no more! She yields, little by little. Finally she is almost like clay in his hands and she wants him to passionately and romantically love her, fulfilling her longings and dreams! He takes her. He has her. He devours her using her to satisfy the testosterone burning, raging and roaring through his mind and body. No matter that he leaves his female prey wounded in soul, broken in heart, and emotionally dying in the night. Puzzled, hurt and distraugt she hates him for using and abusing her and she hates herself for letting him do it to her. She is tempted to think that maybe that is what it means to be passionately loved by a man. Or worse yet, she comes to believe that better this abusive love than no love at all. He has had his fill, his fulfillment, his release. He is satiated, drunk with sexual feasting, and is ready to rest. There are such men and the devil, his demons, his body and the world know how to breed and nurture such savage beasts. A high testosterone male who lacks the discipline of virtuous ethics and morals can be pushed into the mentality of full fledged idolatry to find release forthe testosterone induced emotional turmoil/burning he experiences.Such a male, having had no release all week, finds himself planning and strategizing as a worshipper of female sexuality to find his goddess/goddesses for that weekend. His testosterone crazed thoughts are entirely slavish-"Which goddess will let me worship her and celebrate her sexuality this weekend?". Mentally and spiritually enslaved and addicted to finding fulfillment and sexual release in accepting and welcoming female sexuality, he knows where the goddesses gather and where they wait for their addicted worshippers. As Eve was tempted to be like God and Know, so even some females who know that they are not goddesses, BUT WISH THEY WERE, even such females venture out of their lonely love-starved nests in hope of finding a love, perhaps even one who worship and adore them. Whichever the case, the female-worshippers are out there waiting to find fulfillment in the worship of accepting and welcoming female sexuality. No thought of the females' real-life needs or heart-felt wants except for how their sexuality can be used to achieve his purpose, the orgasmic explosive release and soft erotic afterglow experienced in the worship of a goddess. No matter that he leaves his female goddess in the sober reality that she is but mortal, finite and unable to hold him in his worship of her for days and weeks and years. He has had his fill, his fulfillment, his release. He is satiated, drunk with sexual feasting, and is ready to rest. As his rationality returns he sees moles, freckles, warts, hairs, fat wrinkles and smells things that no longer quite smell the same. Sober and rational now he sees that she is not a goddess, but a mere mortal. He may turn in disgust and leave her there and then. He may flee fearing that she too might see that he was not perfect. Or he may cynically decide that the fantasy is what it is all about and decide to play the game again with her next time they have the chance. There are such men and the devil, his demons, the male body and the world know how to breed and nurture such slavish man-beasts. As a male with mid to high testosterone and no nocturnal emission when I was in high school, my Urologist (Vital Haynes,MD), told me I had a few options to prevent my recurring prostrate congestion (which can lead to prostititis and difficulty in urination). Recurrent prostititis can lead to impotence and, eventually, prostrate cancer. A congested prostrate can make it so difficult to urinate, especially if there is a problem with urethral spasms, that it would be necessary to urinate almost every hour and then there is the risk of trigonitis. He said that I, at age 17, could either get married and be intimate frequently, be promiscuous frequently, self-stimulate quite frequently, become homosexual (the penis in the anus squeezes the seminal fluid out of the prostrate), or come into his office two to three times a week for him to massage/press the seminal fluid out of my prostrate (too expensive and embarassing). Cold showers, exercise and being spiritual just did not empty the prostrate so I could urinate normally and have my mind clear of testosterone distractions. A full time mom and homemaking wife knows from experience when her man will be hungry, need a drink and/or be sleepy. A wife who sees her ministry as wife as that of the good Samaritan, as the feeder of the hungry, the clother of the naked, the giver of drinks to the thirsty--- such a wife will see herself as the fulfiller and satiater of her husband. Whether it be like the wife in the movie "Multiplicities" who took as her cue her man's erection and worked it out with him to help him have his release in her body, or like the wife who knows that it has been two or three days since her husband's last orgasm so she takes the initiative and holds/ strokes/rubs/massages his penis until it is erect and the testosterone has him pumping and then helps him have his release in her body--- such a wife fulfills her ministry of ministering to his legitimate and God-given needs. By the grace and enabling of God, the high testosterone blood level male can tame his testosterone driven appetites and go beyond that to unselfishly and compassionately cherish his sexual partner. The hunter/predator/idolator can be kept under the saddle with a bit and a harness if he will but choose to let Jesus hold the reins of his life and ride in the saddle of his life. AND CONTINUING What a shame most women have no idea of what the average male's testosterone sex drive does to him. Granted about half of males have low mid-range to low testosterone levels as well as nocturnal emission, so they have little or no problem turning off or on their sex lives. The low testosterone level males may have a great deal of difficulty turning on their sex lives. See the "Women have no idea", "Yet they fault the mid to high testosterone blood level male" discussions on p. 171 To help his wife, fianceé, girl friend or daughter understand the effect of testosterone on a male in relationship with his woman whom he loves and desires passionately, a man might do the following. (1) Take his lady out to eat her favorite meal. Order the meal, talking it up to maximize her anticipation and desire for it (2). When the meal is served, ask her take a minute to look carefully at each item (how it is arranged, how it appears). Ask her to smell each item. Ask her to take one fork/spoon serving of each item and eat it, one at a time. Ask her if she is pleased and still wants it (3). If she replies that she is ready and eager to eat and wants no more delay, then gently, sweetly, carefully ask/beg/entreat her to trust you in what you are about to do and that she go along with what you are about to do. If she will cooperate, ask the waiter/waitress to doggy bag the meal(4). She will probably need a lot of reassurance at this point, so tell her that if she will go along with you it will significantly improve her marriage. Hopefully she will believe you, reluctantly. Ask her to carry the bagged food in the car on her lap, or on the floor at her feet. Turn on the heater of your car with a little floor heat so the smell of the food will rise to her face(5). When you get home, ask her to carry it and put it in the refrigerator (6). She will probably need more encouragement to do this. Ask/beg/entreat her to trust you and cooperate. Ask her if she likes the way that the evening has gone so far. Ask her how she feels about her favorite meal, cooling off in the refrigerator. Sit her down and gently, compassionately and wisely explain to her what follows next. The ³favorite meal² to him is HER (1). He approaches, anticipates, and awaits her with eager expectation(2). Tell her that everytime he sees, smells, hears, touches and/or tastes her lips/skin, it is what she felt above (3). Explain that the bagging of the food in front of her (4) is what he feels when she says to him ³Honey! Not tonight.², ³I have a headache and I just don¹t feel like it right now.², ³All you think of is sex! Chill out baby! Not tonight!², ³What have you done lately to deserve it, baby?². Explain to her that the carrying of the pleasantly aromatic food home on her lap in the car is like when he is near her but can¹t feast on her, can¹t fully enjoy her(5). Explain that her putting the nice warm and delicious food in the refrigerator is what he experiences when he has to go to bed or part from her without having had the honor, the privilege, the delightful pleasure, the soul fulfilling experience of feasting on her and her many delectables (6). Explain patiently and gently and that for him his sexual drive is an appetite, and his appetite is for her - his favorite feast. Explain that to be near her is like ordering and receiving his favorite meal, her. Explain that when he is denied his compelling hunger and thirst for her, it is painful and hard to bear. Explain that it is a soul wrenching experience. Explain that he NEEDS he even more than he WANTS her. Appeal to her experience with the deferred meal to understand how frustrating and emotionally troubling it is to be denied her. If nothing else, lay the Word on her----how it is the will of God for her to feed the hungry, and seeing his need and her ability to meet it -- pray that she will be moved with compassion and meet his need. Explain that his responsibility is to receive the wonderful and gracious gift that she is and has, is to gently and kindly and thoughtfully enjoy her----seeking to give her as much pleasure as possible. If he doesn¹t do that, then he is the swine that had pearls thrown before him, the fool who has no idea of the value of his precious possession and hides it away from all, even from himself. If the smile and expressions of delight on her face and the utterances of fulfillment and ecstasy on her lips are not as important to him as his hunger for and need of her, then he is unworthy of her. Perhaps such an unworthy one could show genuine repentance (2Cor7) and humble himself under the mighty hand of His God and under the authority He has given his wife over his body, and become a learner of how to please and delight his woman. A man who acts like Nabal with his wife, will surely face the fate of a Nabal. The question men have to deal with is, "How can I have the testosterone release I need so I can take care of daily business and be acceptable to Jesus?" The obvious answer is marriage (1 Cor. 7:1,2,5,9) with a wife who understands his sexual needs and is committed to ministering to him in his need in Christ, and as unto Christ (Matt. 25:34,35,36), so that his physical need of the release/ejaculation can be met and they can get on with their lives. AND YET MORE Marital sex is as much a Spiritual God-ordained ministry as is feeding the hungry, clothing the naked and giving drink to the thirsty. Isn't it obvious that the husband and wife should be as creative, zealous and devoted in their sexual ministry to each other, being sexually dependent on each other, as they would be in their ministry to the thirsty, hungry and unclothed who are dependent on them. Since they are called to do their sexual ministry to each other, doing it as unto the Lord (meaning they would do their very best in order to please Jesus), you would expect excellence, creativity, originality and first class performance. That is an example of how a Spiritual people who know each other in terms of the Spirit, not in terms of their bodies or the visible, use the opportunity of their bodies or the visible to serve each other and the God who called them. AND STILL MORE 1Cor.7:9 paraphrased from Darby: ŒBut if they have not control over themselves, they should marry; For it is better to marry than to burn.' Burn? Do you mean like with fire?What a shame most women have no idea of what the average male's testosterone sex drive does to him, how it can make him BURN. I believe it is almost impossible for the average woman to understand the 1 Cor.7:9 burning that a middle to high testosterone blood level male experiences due to his testosterone. Granted about half of males have low mid-range to low testosterone levels as well as nocturnal emission, so they have little or no problem turning off or on their sex lives. The low testosterone level males may have a great deal of difficulty turning on their sex lives since they have no sexual desire, no sexual passion. Women have no idea that the sex drive in that half of the male who have mid to high testosterone levels in their blood is as burning and compelling as the hunger drive when the stomach is growling and cramping for lack of food; or as the thirst drive when the tongue, throat and mouth are so dry it is even difficult to talk; as the rest drive when it is impossible to keep the eyes open or the body erect due to utter exhausion. See the "Women have no idea", "Yet they fault the mid to high testosterone blood level male", "A high testosterone male who lacks the discipline", "a male with mid to high testosterone" discussions on pp. 171-174. The question such men have to deal with is, "How can I have the testosterone release I need so I can take care of daily business and be acceptable to Jesus?" The obvious answer is marriage (1 Cor. 7:1,2,5,9) with a wife who understands his sexual needs and is committed to ministering to him in his need in Christ, and as unto Christ (Matt. 25:34,35,36), so that his physical need of the release/ejaculation can be met and they can get on with their lives. The closest the female comes to this experience is in her PMS where her mind is bombarded with hormones etc. making many to be quite distracted and temporarily not their normal selves. It is extremely difficult for a woman to understand that testosterone can make a godly man REALLY NEED (not just want) the physical marital love making of a godly wife to meet this need, to keep him from being tempted to find release with some female predator staked out at the testosterone watering hole, to keep him from thinking irrationally and foolishly, and to help him keep himself from doing foolish and life-threatening things to find release. It is not just a matter of the will and the mind, just like the physical needs for food, drink and sleep. It is the wise man who is very good and attentive to the person who has what he needs, and needs to be encouraged to give it to him. See the "A full time mom and homemaking wife" can help discussion of p. 174 and "To help his wife or daughter understand the effect of testosterone on a male" discussion on p. 196-198 The widow who is left BURNING for the sexual affection and attention of her departed husband (1Cor.7:5; 1Tim.5:11-14), has a very real and intense sex drive, not fueled by testosterone, but by an emotional/affectionate need created by the wonderful addiction to marital sex with her husband, now departed. She can actually feel, in her memory, the stimulation of her whole body or particular erotic zones that love making with her husband activated. Those affectionate and erogenous memories create an intense aching longing for that whole body experience she had in orgasm with her husband. Even a formerly promiscuous woman who knew no other love than that she had in sex with "tricks/Johns" or just guys, feeling such an aching and yearning desire for affectionate attention, can burn with desire for that sexual affection and attention. Mind, emotional and heart addictions can generate such a desperate burning that their judgment is impaired, their reasoning clouded, and their mind so distracted that they are capable of doing very foolish and life threatening things. STILL MORE I¹ve seen the delightful goodness of godly marital sex and catastrophic evil of sinful sex. What do I do if I want godly marital sex instead of sinful sex and I am experiencing failure, or even frequent failure, in keeping myself from sinful sex? No matter how much I grieve, repent, fast, pray and read my Bible; no matter how many times I go forward for prayer, the laying on of hands and the anointing of oil....... I still fail, sometimes even weekly, to keep myself from what the Bible describes as sexual sin. ³Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God! [I will be delivered from this body of death] through Jesus Christ our Lord!² How???????????????????????????? AND THE LORD SAID IT IS BETTER TO MARRY THAN TO BURN So the way this writer gets it is a modified DBY: ŒBut if they have not control over themselves, they should marry; For it is better to marry than to burn.' Now if the mighty God of the universe tells me I should marry, just being thankful in Christ that He has taken the time to know me and deal with me, I would be asking ³Who² and ³When². Now I know I need to obey my Lord Jesus (Heb.5:8,9;1John2:1-5), and since He has told me I NEED to/SHOULD marry and promised to supply all my needs according to His riches, then I need to prepare myself forWHOEVER of the saints He provides (seek and ye shall find), knowing that He will LEAD that saint to be willing to marry me ----- and shame on me if I am too selfish and particular to accept the one He provides! 1 Corinthians 7:1 Now . . . , [to avoid] sex sin every man is to be having his own woman and every woman is to be having her own man..... [The preceeding excerpts are from my Divorce & Polygyny file.] 2. WHAT ABOUT OUR SEPARATION? HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT IT? WHAT DO I BELIEVE ABOUT IT? HOW AM I HANDLING IT? The woman's repentance option explains the ³double standard² and apparent inequity of 1 Corinthians 7:10,11 where it appears that the woman who has left her husband has the repentance option of remaining single but the man must never leave his wife. If a wife left her husband according to 1 Cor. 7:11, he would immediately be put in the hazardous position of 1 Corinth 7:1-5, being tempted to sin because his wife will not give him the marital sexual outlet since she is gone. It seemed to me to be quite unfair that she could leave him and live unmarried, and he, knowing he is still bound to her for life, has to struggle with the burning temptations predicted in 1 Corinth. 7:1-5, 9 (See Appendix 6) with no legitimate sexual outlet. Then I realized that 1 Corinth. 7:1-5 predicted his need of marital intimacy, how Satan would use the wife's absence to tempt him, how marital intimacy is the prescription to avoid Satan's temptations, and then the command in verse 9 plainly commands the one to marry who is failing to have successful self- control>100 . Then I realized that the polygyny option balanced the equation. The wife could leave her husband and remain single and the husband who was still bound to such a departed wife seems to have had a Biblical option of polygyny / concubinage, (depending on the laws of his land) if he found himself tempted and burning as in 1 Cor. 7:5, 9,12 (See Appendix 6). She could leave and he could remarry becoming a polygamist and the inequity was gone. She could separate and remain single, and he could remarry as long as he recognized that he was still bound to his separated wife. [Footnote: >100 See Appendix Six.] What if it is a situation of real need and crisis? What if his wife decided to exercise her option to separate>95 herself from her husband, but not by divorce but by separate beds or separate bedrooms and allowed him no more access to her body for his sexual needs? He is under God¹s command to not leave or divorce her>96 . She is wife in name only and he has no sexual partner. Hasn't she sinfully set him up for Satan>97 and burning>98 which will compel him to marry or be an adulterer. If it is to marry, wouldn't it have to be with a concubine, since bigamy is illegal in the USA? [Footnote: >95 (1 Cor. 7:10,11). >96 (1 Cor. 7:10,11; Mark 10:9-11). >97 (1 Cor.7:5). >98 (1 Cor. 7:9; 1 Th.4:4,5; Appendix 6).]