MARRIAGE, POLYGYNY/POLYGAMY AND ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS. @ R. TYLER, June 1998 oldservant@mindspring.com ¥ AM I A RELATIONSHIP ADDICT? ¥ AM I A LOVE ADDICT? ¥ AM I A ROMANCE ADDICT? ¥ AM I A CODEPENDENT ADDICT? ¥ AM I A CO-ADDICT? See page 2(?) ¥ CHECK OFF LIST WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION/NEED HAS SEXUAL OVERTONES. p. 6(?) ¥ Overcoming a Pornography or Fantasy Addiction. p. 9(?) ¥ A CHECK OFF LIST WHEN THE CO-ADDICTÕS, THE VICTIMÕS, RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION/ NEED HAS SEXUAL OVERTONES. p.16(?) ¥ S-ANON INTERNATIONAL FAMILY GROUPS p.20(?) ¥¥¥MARRIAGE, POLYGYNY/POLYGAMY AND ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS. Polygamy and relationship/sexual addiction seem like natural partners.Believing that polygyny/polygamy is moral, legitimate, Biblical and Spiritual can set one up for addictive and codependent behaviors if that one has not carefully examined oneself to make sure that the motives are right and the leading is from the Spirit, and not the flesh. For an American male raised in a promiscuous society or on pornography, polygamy would sound like heaven on earth. Pornography and promiscuity conditions the mind to feel strong burning desire for more than one woman at a time. It conditions a person to feel intense and powerful desire and ecstasy about another person without having any real relationship with that person, without unselfishly and compassionately cherishing them. It bonds the emotions and mind of the man to more than one woman so that he has GREAT difficulty bonding/cleaving/uniting with only one woman. It conditions one to use another. A believer saved from pornography and promiscuity may still unconsciously think the old ways, feel about himself according to the old ways, feel about others the old way, relate to others the old way, all without using pornography or being promiscuous. A believer saved from a life of addiction or addictive behaviors can still think like an addict though not using the addictive substance/people. A believer saved from a sick and abusive home or marriage or relationship can still think the way they thought when in those relationships. That is why the renewal of the mind in Christ (Romans 12:1,2) is so very important. Many of us have grown up not knowing that the way we think is damaged, crippling and harmful. Many of us think that the way we think is normal and good enough because it is all we have known until we met Christ and He saved us and began cleaning us up with His Word by the Spirit to be with Him. We havenÕt yet learned what it means to bring every thought into captivity to Christ, to acknowledge Him in all our ways, and to not lean/rely on our own understanding. Whether in a polygynous relationship or in a monogynous relationship, stinkinÕ thinkinÕ on the part of a discipled believer in Christ can cause much grief, great misunderstandings and many unnecessary marital problems. This document is an attempt to alert you to the Òold manÓ that may still be lurking about inside of you, to enable you to examine yourself and your motives, to help you see if there are things you need to fast and pray about, seeking the LordÕs deliverance. Be honest because it is your life and your heart you are dealing with. When in doubt, assume that the trait fits you, since most of us are pretty good at denial and self-justification. Many of these traits are not sinful in and of themselves, but they are certainly crippling and they are like flies in the ointment of your spiritual experience. Examine yourself and talk over with Jesus what you find out about yourself. The following is adapted from Lovenet on the Web 1998. Check off the items that apply to you and then meditate on what it means for you. ___I. I often complained about dating jerks or losers that I used or that I let use me. Sometimes I fell in love with unavailable people, and yearned for something I did not have. Sometimes I put so much hope into my relationships that I was devastated when they ended. I found myself repeating this behavior in painful and unhappy relationships, and realized I need to take a deeper look at my own motives. ___II. I recognized in myself behavior, or a state of mind, that kept me from living a healthy and normally independent life because I felt compelled to take care of, to control, or to please the people and/or situations around me. I recognized that I was ÒcodependentÓ. ___III. I realize that I was excessively dependent on another person, where my life was so involved in the life of another person it seemed that I didnÕt have a life of my own, and I felt compelled stay focused on and absorbed with the life of that other person. I realize that I had a relationship addiction. ÒMany relationship addicts, unless they are in unbearable pain, will never even know they have a problem. This form of addiction is almost always unrecognized. In our society we love songs of obsessive love. Our movies and soap operas are full of people who are consumed with dysfunctional relationships. We have so many examples in media that would indicate that love is painful and exhausting. While it makes for good entertainment, healthy long term relationships are not full of games, insecurities and drama.Ó Ò* A Love addict is essentially a codependent, but a codependent is not always a love addict. * Romance addicts often have unrealistic expectations of a relationship, they may demand constant attention or no conflict. * Codependents and addicts usually neglect themselves while they are in relationships.Ó ÒFor those of you frustrated with your relationships, check out the descriptions below. Keep in mind that this is an introduction to a very real problem. Like anything else there are degree's of intensity. We urge you to seek out additional information before drawing any conclusions about yourself or someone you know.Ó ÒAnne Wilson Schaef, best-selling author of The Addictive Organization and Escape from Intimacy is a leading authority on codependency. She has listed the skill's people use to form what she calls (addictive) pseudo- relationships See if you recognize any of these "skills" as your own.Ó It is wise and helpful to have all parties involved do this, but do it separately and privately first, and then come together and discuss what has been learned. This is her list modified for personal inventory: ___1. I am able to establish ÒInstantÓ intimacy ___2. I am able to listen even when not interested or involved in what the other person is saying ___3.I am able consistently to lay aside my own needs for the sake of the ÒRelationshipÓ ___4. I know how to take care of the other person and quickly move in to meet his or her needs ___5. I know both how to foster dependency and how to attach to the other in a dependent way ___6. I know how to compromise my personal needs, values, ethics or morality for the relationship (including family, children, and my own work) ___7. I have the ability quickly to recognize a Cosmic mate or a Special connection ___8. I am able instantly to share secrets and pour out my life story. ___9. I am able to have an instant physical or sexual attraction to another person. ___10. I am able to fit the other person into my romantic fantasies and/or exotic situations ___11. I am able to form a connection with another and not know how to be friends ___12. I am able to establish an immediate intensity or ÒhighÓ (being in love with someone) and allow that high to interfere with daily life ___13. I can feel as though the "relationship" has me in its grip, has taken over my life, and I am able to give myself over to that feeling ___14. I have the skills (imagined or real) and desire to "save" the other person from the life he or she has constructed ___15. I can be willing to use the other person to escape the life I have constructed for myself ___16. I can define everything in my existence in terms of the relationship(s) and make the relationship(s) "central" to my life ___17. I am able to ignore other facets of both lives involved, for the sake of the relationship ___18. I have the ability (real or imagined) to "make others feel alive" ___19. I am able to attract others to myself, that is, to emphasize physical appearance, like dressing and fixing myself up to attract others ___20. I am able to ignore aspects of the person I do not trust or like for the sake of the relationship. ___21. I am able to ignore unshared values, hopes and fears and see the other only through the eyes of illusion ___22. I am able to accept blame and fault for anything that goes wrong in the relationship, whether or not it was my fault. ___23. I am able to "hang in there" for the relationship much past the point of sanity or safety. ___24. I have the ability to "enter into the otherÕs world completely" and become unaware of Òmy worldÓ ___25. I know how to use the "skills" of communication to form immediate relationships, the skills being much more important than being fully present to the other person ___25. I am able to use manipulation and impression management to try to be what the other wants in order to "hook" the other into the relationship ___26. I have the ability to attach myself to people who like/ pursue me first, or to let myself get ÒcaughtÓ by them. ___27. I have the ability to use "honesty" as a con, to draw the other into a relationship with me ___28. I have the ability to use my intuition to explain or "understand" the other ___29. I have developed the skills and uses of seduction, flirtation and titillation to a fine art ___30. I have the skill to look intimately involved while keeping safely hidden behind my emotional wall ___31. I have learned to interpret intensity as love and, therefore, to assume that when I feel intensely about someone what I am feeling is ÒloveÓ ___32. I have the ability to lose my boundaries (of right and wrong, or good and bad) in the relationship ___33. I am able to suffer endlessly (or so it seems) for the relationship without considering whether or not such suffering is wise, justified or reasonable. ___34. I am able to gaze lovingly into the otherÕs eyes with a pathetic and needy look resembling a dying calf in quicksand, appealing to the rescuer in the other. Despite the fact that these behaviors look as if you are actively pursuing love and romance, the true Love addict is deeply afraid that someone will get too close to them. Because these "skills" avoid intimacy. They keep people away! "We have been taught that these skills lead to relationships when, in fact, they lead one into addictive pseudo-relationships." These have been adapted from the book Escape from Intimacy by Anne Wilson Schaeff, Harper & Row 1989. page 103-105 The preceding was adapted from Lovenet 1998. Many of these codependent behaviors are natural and healthy motivation and inspiration is right. Anyone who believes in loving, caring for and nurturing others will find themselves in many of the descriptions above. Remember 1 Corinthians 13. Loving , caring and nurturing with GodÕs unselfish and compassionate cherishing is a tinkling bell etc. This is a serious problem, and if you find that over a third of the above describe you, it is time for courageous self examination and a zealous seeking of help and answers. JesusÕ good news is that He in you can overcome addictions and dependencies to enjoy healthy and happy relationships. ¥ CHECK OFF LIST WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION/NEED HAS SEXUAL OVERTONES. ADAPTED FROM New Life Ministries. ___1. I might have experienced some type of childhood abuse: e.g. I may have been yelled at, laughed at, told I was worthless or stupid or ugly, or responsible for everything wrong in the family. I may now recognize this as emotional abuse. ___2. I might have been neglected, minimized or overlooked. This is emotional abandonment. ___3. I might have been slapped, beaten, knocked down, or struck with objects. This is physical abuse. ___4. I might have been touched, pawed, and coerced or forced into sexual activities. This is sexual abuse. ___5. Whatever abuses I suffered I learned that to survive I had to find a way to not feel the overwhelming and unbearable pain that I was experiencing. ___6. As a child I interpreted the abuses I experienced as justified. I believed that I was at fault for what had happened to me. Unconsciously I knew that I was somehow defective, that I was different from other human beings and not "normal." ___7. I have always been aware that I was alone. Instinctively I built walls around my heart. ___8. One of the walls I built around my heart may have been the magical wall of the Fantasy and Desire of the Forbidden. ÒThis Fantasy and Desire of the Forbidden is a magical wall in that it gives the illusion of connection with others. It is transparent. I can see people on the other side and I can pretend that I am connecting with them, laughing, joking, living, sharing, but all the while there is this wall which deadens their voices so I can barely hear a sound, and distorts their faces ever so slightly - or greatly - and absolutely ensures that they will never harm me because they can not touch my heart and soul. So I feel safe, but I remain alone inside my prison.Ó ___9. ÒSex with myself or with others gave me the illusion of acceptance and thus the "cure" to my worthlessness. I became addicted to the "cure." I needed a constant supply of sexual activity to stay "cured." So I used others for sex instead of having relationships, or I bought my "cure" through magazines, or prostitutes, or I sold/bartered/rented my body to others, or I self-stimulate-to-orgasm, but always I fantasized and desired the forbidden. To fantasize and desire the forbidden was to be alive, and not feel alone.Ó ___10. Fantasy and desire of the forbidden had become one of the most important thing in my life. Sometimes I felt as if I were willing to risk and lose everything to get and keep it. It promises to connect me with others and make me whole. But it never does. To join New Life Ministries, send Email to NewLifeMn@aol.com.Please place the words "Subscribe" in the Subject line, followed by a brief introduction of yourself in the letter. NewLifeMn@aol.com Living Enrichment Center (LEC) 29500 SW Grahams Ferry Road Wilsonville, Oregon[Image] 97070-9516 Phone: (503) 682-5683 á Fax: (503) 682-4275 Toll Free In The USA: (800) 893-1000 E-Mail: Info@lecworld.org Overcoming a Pornography or Fantasy Addiction ------------------------------------------------------------------ Although the word ÒpornographyÓ originally meant pictures or representations of whores/harlots/adulteresses, for this consideration it does not mean only that. It also includes pictures or representations of women/girls, though not whores/harlots/adulteresses, who are thought of as whores/ harlots/adulteresses by one who looks at them with the desire for that which is forbidden by God, with the desire to do that which is forbidden by God, and/or using oneÕs imagination to do with them what one does with whores/harlots/prostitutes. For a man it could be pictures of girls in their bathing suits at last weeks church beach party, or at the pool party they had after the last baptismal service. For a boy it could be the underwear ads in the Sears Catalog, or a National Geographic article on the semi nude Indians of the Amazon. Again there is no dispute that pornography is pictures/tapes etc. of whores, harlots, prostitutes, adulteresses --- of any woman having sexual/genital intimacy with a man she is not married to according to the Word of God ---- whether or not she is fully clothed or presented totally naked and having sex. Yet one must realize that the heart is deceitfully wicked and can make pornographic a picture of a girl praying in her bathing suit at a church beach party --- by what is in the beholders mind. The girl is not evil, but what the beholder is thinking and fantasizing could be very evil. This means that pictures of topless African women in church in Africa, that pictures of topless and semi-nude Amazonian women in prayer in their village, that a woman in church who uncovers her breast to breast feed her infant, that none of these are in and of themselves pornography or evil. But the evil heart of humans can make such pictures pornographic for the individual if the individual uses those pictures to desire or fantasize that which is forbidden by God. It is understood that women are not to stumble their brothers in Christ, so a sister might be asked not to breast feed her baby in church because the brothers canÕt handle it. But poor people, Asians, Africans, and Amazonians are just living their daily lives according to their culture. As long as they meet GodÕs minimum requirement, keeping the loins and genitals covered when in public and when not alone with your mate, they are not being lewd or sinful, since they are not violating scripture. The pastor of a large East African congregation was approached by the Western Caucasian missionaries, who asked him to have the women of the church cover their breasts in church and when in public about town, because it was tempting and stumbling some of the missionaries. The pastor and the elders responded that in their culture the only women who wore bras or blouses were prostitutes and that was their public sign that they were available for prostitution. The pastor and the elders informed that they would not let their women dress as prostitutes out of respect for them and concern for their testimony for Christ. They asked that the missionaries who couldnÕt handle it be reassigned to a mission field with which they could cope. The rule is Romans chapters 8, 14 and 15. Pornography is a common addiction. The brief pleasure that comes with pornography, fantasies, and masturbation is chosen instead of the difficult task of building relationships in the real world . Sex addiction avoids pain and deadens feelings instead of allowing one to find real satisfaction and contentment. The addiction of pornography must be dealt with in two ways. First, agree with God that sex addiction is a sin, a falling short of His righteousness, and call on Jesus to enable you to stop. This decision and cry for His help is the beginning of the healing process and deliverance from a hurtful addiction. Find someone, a friend or a counselor, that you have good reason to trust and who is led to be trustworthy to you, and ask that person to be your accountability partner. You have to be able to be embarrassingly open and honest with this person with no secrets. You may even have to fast and pray for such a person. I found mine through the net by email, and I give my accounting to him speaking about myself in the third person using a nickname to ensure privacy. It is wise to choose a person who could not cause you great loss or hurt if that person failed your confidentiality, an anonymous sponsor for example. A person who has been struggling successfully with the same problem and know to you in a support group could be a good contact. Give an accounting at least once a week. Hearing your partners responses helps you realize what God might be wanting you to hear Him say to you. He should also be your prayer partner and compassionately edify you. Another strategy when tempted is to get involved in a physical exercise or activity and stay in it until you are so exhausted that you wont have the energy to act on the temptation. This doesnÕt work well in the middle of the night before a big day at the office. Get rid of all that is pornographic to you, all that you are using as pornography to mentally do that which is forbidden by God, even if it is Newsweek or Life magazines. Get rid of the TV cable service that would allow you to get porn on the screen. Get an internet server that excludes for you all porn sites. Avoid those places where you will be exposed to or encounter what is pornographic to you. If you have to deal with and enter a retailer who has pornography for sale, then get someone to go in with you, or tell your accountability partner you are going and report back what happened when you went. Join recovery groups, support groups or loving and caring fellowship groups with people you can be open with and share your feelings and needs in prayer, testimonies, and prayer requests. Seek out real life relationships with real people who are committed to Loving God and Compassionately cherishing their brethren in church, even if you have to change churches or spend several months looking for such a church. A pornography addict needs to realize that he/she does not have the gift of celibacy, that marriage is a significant part of the solution (1 Corinth 7:1,2,5,9,36; 1 Thes. 4:1-10). A pornography addict needs to fast and pray for his marriage and the marriage partner of GodÕs choosing. A pornography needs to diligently study and learn how to really love and cherish a woman and how to meet her needs so that she will love him enough to meet his needs. A pornography addict needs to study diligently to see what God thinks of him/her and how God unselfishly and compassionately cherishes him/her. The addict needs to see that it was God who designed sex and wants us to enjoy it ecstatically with our God given mate. The addict and his/her mate need to give their sexuality to God as a living sacrifice for Him to use it in their marriage to minister to each others needs. Go to an endocrinologist,if possible, and ask him/her to check your testosterone levels and if they are abnormally high, ask if there is some medical way to lower the level into the low- normal range. My endocrinologists told me that I had only certain choices to deal with my testosterone driven sexuality and sexual burning. They told me I could: 1. Come to the office and have my prostrate emptied by rectal massage twice a week [at a prohibitive cost not covered by insurance] or find an old and unattractive nurse to do it at a fraction of the cost, or 2. Get married and have climactic sex several times a week or as often as needed, which is a great idea but it isnÕt something you can do successfully and quickly like buying a new car. 3. Be promiscuous, having climactic sex with as many partners as frequently as necessary to relieve the pressure and burning -- which was not an option for me as a child of God. 4. Become homosexual and be the object of much anal sex, thus massaging the prostrate to empty --- which was not an option for me as a child of God. 5. If you donÕt have frequent nocturnal emission, self-stimulate frequently since self-stimulation rarely empties the prostrate as well as coition, vaginal penetration. This is a mine field because the largest sex organ, the brain, is so involved. Self-stimulation is never called or labeled as sin in the Bible, but if it involves evil imaginations and fantasies, then it is clearly sin.If it becomes a feel good self-centered love affair with oneÕs own self, it is a sin because God designed sex to be a union of male and female, otherwise Adam really didnÕt need Eve. If it is done without thinking of that which is evil, without desiring that which is forbidden, without self-centered and selfish fixation of self gratification, then there is no scripture or clear and explicit Word of God about it. Sometimes mates who are separated feel they have no other choice but to self-stimulate imaging and remembering their lovemaking with their mates. I know of no such scripture against such a temporary activity on the part of a separated husband and wife. Some are able to bring themselves to orgasm just by the good physical feeling of the experience. These people can transfer the experience to marital intimacy rather easily, still just focused on the feeling. Some have used mind control to avoid evil imagination and desiring the forbidden, by letting themselves think only of the overall beauty of the woman, the attractiveness of the not forbidden parts of her body (face, hair, neck, arms, legs, back etc.) to bring themselves to orgasm when not married, to find release from the testosterone frenzy they are experiencing. The problem with such mind control, which involves being very careful to think of doing nothing with the womanÕs breasts, loins and genital (Ezekiel chaps 16 & 23 with Prov. 5), is that when one finally does marry, he may have great difficulty letting his mind focus on the breasts and genitals of his marital partner. It also means the beauty of other women is burned and bonded into oneÕs memory and they can come back to haunt and distract when trying to sexually connect with your marriage partner. People who use dildoes or Òlove dollsÓ run into similar problems. While there is no scripture against using such substitutes in the absence of your mate, or the absence of a mate, if the thoughts and imaginations are kept free from the desire and imagining of the forbidden (for the woman, action on her breasts and genitals by someone other than her mate according to the Word of God; for the man, action of the breasts and/or genitals of someone who is not his mate according to the Word of God), the use of such things requires as much care as negotiating a mental mine field. The woman can get so attached to the dildoe she would need her husband to use it on her as she had used it on herself before they married. The man can get so attached to a Òlove dollÓ that he treats it as if it were alive and becomes satisfied with ÒitÓ and feels no need of a God given wife. Such objects can become idols to their users. It is a path to be taken only after much prayer and fasting and when the spirit, soul and mind have the peace of God about it, free from any doubts or misgivings (Romans 14). Most of all, remember and claim for yourself the truths of Romans 6:1 ¦ What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin [PORNOGRAPHY AND LUST] so that grace may abound? 2 Let it not be! How shall we who died to sin [PORNOGRAPHY/LUST] live any longer in it? 3 Do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into His death? 4 Therefore we were buried with Him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised up from [the] dead by the glory of the Father; even so we also should walk in newness of life. 5 For if we have been joined together in the likeness of His death, we shall also be [in the likeness] of His resurrection; 6 knowing this, that our old man is crucified with [Him] in order that the body of sin might be destroyed, that from now on we should not serve sin [PORNOGRAPHY AND EVIL DESIRE]. 7 For he who died has been justified from sin. 8 But if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, 9 knowing that when Christ was raised from [the] dead, He dies no more; death no longer has dominion over Him. 10 For in that He died, He died to sin once; but in that He lives, He lives to God. 11 Likewise count yourselves also to be truly dead to sin [PORNOGRAPHY AND DESIRE FOR THE FORBIDDEN], but alive to God through Jesus Christ our Lord. 12 Therefore do not let sin [PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL DESIRE] reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts [DESIRE FOR THE FORBIDDEN]. 13 Do not yield your members [genitals as] instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but yield yourselves to God, as [one] alive from [the] dead, and your members [genitals as] instruments of righteousness to God. 14 For sin [PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL DESIRE] shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under Law, but under grace. 15 What then? Shall we sin [PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL] because we are not under Law, but under grace? Let it not be! 16 Do you not know that to whom you yield yourselves [as] slaves for obedience, you are slaves to him whom you obey; whether it is of sin [PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL] to death, or of obedience to righteousness. 17 But thanks [be] to our God that you were the slaves of sin, but you have obeyed from [the] heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered. 18 Then being made free from sin [PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL], you became the slaves of righteousness. 19 I speak in the manner of men because of the weakness of your flesh; for as you have yielded your members [as] slaves to uncleanness [PORNOGRAPHIC CLIMAX], and to lawless act unto lawless act [PORNOGRAPHIC USES], even so now yield your members as slaves to righteousness unto holiness. 20 For when you were the slaves of sin [PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL], you were free from righteousness. 21 What fruit did you have then [in the PORNOGRAPHY AND EVIL DESIRE] of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things [is] death. 22 But now, being made free from sin [PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL DESIRE] , and having become slaves to God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end everlasting life. 23 For the wages of sin [PORNOGRAPHY AND EVIL DESIRE is] death, but the gift of God [is] eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Helpful Resources Support Groups Sex Addicts Anonymous PO Box 3038 Minneapolis, MN, 55414 Sexaholics Anonymous PO Box 111910 Nashville, TN 37222 saico@sa.org www.sa.org Sexual Compulsives Anonymous www.sca-recovery.org P.O. Box 1585, Old Chelsea Station New York, NY 10011 (800)977-HEAL Books Out of the Shadows, and Sexual Addiction, both by Patrick Carnes Search for Significance, by Robert McGee The Sensation of Being Somebody, by Maurice Wagner; pub. Zondervan Change Your Life Now, by Gary Null; pub. Health Communications Inc. His Image--My Image, by Josh McDowell Faithful and True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World, by Mark Laaser, Ph.D. ($10.99 / ISBN 0-310-20836-X / Softcover / 208 pp. /1996 / Zondervan). Dr. Laaser offers help and hope for regaining and maintaining sexual integrity, self-control, and wholesome, biblical sexuality. Discusses the complete topic of sexual addiction. Call 1-800-727-3480, or e-mail zdsonline@zph.com. If you live outside the U.S., e-mail zpub@zph.com for a list of Zondervan's international distributors. Videos Videotape Series "Sex, Lust and Heartache" www.interaud.com/slh ########################################### ___________________________________________ ¥ A CHECK OFF LIST WHEN THE CO-ADDICTÕS RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION/ NEED HAS SEXUAL OVERTONES. THE FOLLOWING IS ADAPTED FROM R-CoSA ¥ Co-addicts who are in relationships with sexually addicted people can benefit greatly from the fellowship and support of a Bible based12-step group that they might not get anywhere else due to the sensitive and controversial nature of this addiction. This is not an addiction that you want your boss or parents to know about. Co-addicts may share any of the following experiences: 1. Having a spouse who has continually called "900" sex numbers. 2. Having a spouse who is currently having or has had an affair(s). 3. Having an affair themselves. 4. Dealing with issues of molestation and abuse from a spouse. 5. Having a spouse who is involved in homosexual affairs. 6. Having a spouse who watches adult sex videos and buys pornography (magazines, tapes, toys etc.). 7. Having a spouse whoÕs having sex with prostitutes. 8. Having a spouse whose obsession with sex is to the point of self-injury, and/or injury to the co-addict. If any of these experiences are true for you, and you find that too much of your time is focused on dealing with or recovering from these experiences, then you are invited to join R-cosa. CHARACTERISTICS OF PEOPLE WHO COULD BENEFIT FROM RECOVERY AND SUPPORT MINISTRIES LIKE R-COSA AND THE OTHERS DESCRIBED ABOVE: ___1. Sometime during my life I came to believe that no one would love me as I am. ___2. I have believed that I am basically bad and somehow unworthy of being loved. ___3. I have learned the only person I can rely on and trust is myself. ___4. I believe that if I have to depend on someone else my needs will never be met. ___5. I also believe that sex is the most important sign of love. ___6. I have become helpless over my own life, failing to hold the addict accountable for his actions. ___7. I have too often been inconsistent in dealing with the consequences of the addicts behavior. ___8. I have wronged myself and violated my own personal standards and boundaries to get along with the addict. ___9. I have over-extended myself to cover the addictÕs unmanageability, doing so physically, emotionally and/or financially. __10. I have place unreasonable demands on the addict and tried to control the addictÕs behavior. __11. I have deliberately misled family, friends and co- workers that every thing with the addict and I are ÒfineÓ __12. I have sometimes punished the addict and failed to forgive him/her, damaging my own spirituality.. __13. I have withdrawn sex and physical affection from the addict, becoming emotionally unavailable. __14. I have ignored my own life and responsibilities by becoming over involved with the addictÕs problems. __15. Sometimes I have felt responsible for the addictÕs harmful behavior, blaming myself for his problems. __16. Feeling responsible for his problems, I have given in to him and his demands/desires/needs, making excuses to myself and others for his harmful actions. __17. I have even joined in with him in his harmful sexual fantasies to accommodate him and keep the relationship going, or to keep him from going to some else. __18. I have allowed myself to be used, abused and disrespected. __19. I have become resentful, putting his sexual needs ahead my needs and feeling like I have put too much of myself in the relationship. __20. At times I have let my loved ones, family and friends be hurt, used and abused by the addict. __21. I have often blamed all of our relationship problems on the addict and his hurtful behavior. __22. I have let myself believe that all it would take to fix things would be for him to change, denying my own harmful behaviors. __23. I have let myself accept intensity and excitement in our sexual relations, in place of intimacy and cherishing love. __24. I have realized that our needs are not being met and that there is no real intimacy and closeness in our relationship. ###############Adapted from R-CoSAÕS SOLUTION ___1. I have come to realize that I can not control the addictÕs behavior. ___2. I have come to understand that my problems are emotional and spiritual. ___3. I am ready to deal with my denial of the problems and past issues. ___4. I am ready to be responsible for my own actions and accept and yield to Jesus as the Deliverer and Master of my Life ___5. I am committed to learning about my sexual addictions and to working as a partner with my mate in recovery. ___6. I now realize and accept that I am not responsible for the addictÕs addiction or recovery, for fixing or ÒcuringÓ the addict. ___7. I am willing to start the recovery that I hope will heal myself, to start living as God wants me to live. ___8. If necessary, I am ready and willing to give up sexual relations with him and be separated from him if that is how the Lord leads me after prayer and fasting. ___9. If I am single, I am ready and willing to give up sinful sexual relations and be chaste and set apart in sexual purity to the Lord until He give me the mate of His choosing, with prayer and fasting. ___10. I realize that a support/recovery/fellowship group may provide a safe place to share my hurts, anxieties, frustrations as well as my happiness and victories. If I donÕt have such a group now I commit myself to finding one following GodÕs leading with much prayer and fasting. __11. I acknowledge my faults, shortcomings and defects, and I am committed to working through these feeling, preferably in my support/recovery group or with a counselor. ___12. I earnestly desire and am seeking a closer relationship with God, an intimate relationship with Him, spending time quietly with Him, praising Him, thanking Him, and worshipping him, meditating on Him and listening for His leading. ___13. I believe that King Jesus and the Holy Spirit are all I need to overcome and be healed, and that He may choose to speak to me through His children. ___14. I surrender my relationship to Jesus because I believe that Jesus unselfishly and compassionately cherishes me, esteeming me precious and worth dying for, and that He is my faithful healer and restorer. ___15. I intend to continue to seek to know Him intimately in a daily quiet-before-Him time, trusting Him to renew my mind. ---------------------------------------------------- There are many other wonderful and effective resources available besides these for the Christian. Focus on the Family Colorado Springs, Co 80995 Recovery Publications 1201 Knoxville St. San Diego,CA 92110-3718 (619) 275-1350 For the non-Christian and the Christian, there are effective groups that are not openly Christ centered but can be used by Jesus in their recovery. The Augustine Fellowship , Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, FellowshipWide Services, Inc. P.O.Box 119, New Town Branch, Boston, MA 02258 and their excellent Basic Text. The book: Leaving the Enchanted Forest, The Path From Relationship Addiction to Initmacy, by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett S-ANON INTERNATIONAL FAMILY GROUPS KEYS TO S-ANON RECOVERY S-ANON INTERNATIONAL APPEARS TO BE COMMITTED TO THE FOLLOWING: 1. Sexaholism is a disease that is very similar to alcoholism. 2. Sexaholics are responsible for their behavior. 3. Sexaholics are entitled to their feelings of anger and hurt. 4. Sexaholics are ÒsickÓ people, not necessarily bad people. 5. Sexaholics are, in and of themselves, powerless over their desire for the forbidden and harmful. 6.. Sexaholism is not the result of something I did or did not do. 7. Sexaholics are not able to control themselves, or be controlled by their loved ones. 8. Attempts to control or ignore the sexaholicÕs behavior may lead to a worsening of my emotional health. 9. Such attempts can enable the addict to go on practicing his addiction. 10. The victims of such addictions are also emotionally and spiritually ill. 11. It takes work to come to the place where the victim can accept these ideas. 12. The victim becomes aware that he/she have choices to make about their own behavior, and so begins the recovery process. 13. Acknowledging their powerlessness over the SexaholicÕs behavior, the actions and reactions of those in our lives. 14. The victim asks his/her ÒHigher PowerÓ to enable the victim to stop blaming and attempting to control the sexaholic and his behavior. 15. The realization that it is not the victimÕs responsibility to fix the sexaholic is a liberating discovery. 16. The victim should encourage and cooperate with the recovery of the sexaholic. 17. The victim should prioritize his/her own recovery and find fulfillment and encouragement in that, even if the sexaholic fails to make the desired progress. 18. The victimÕs peace of mind and fulfillment should depend on his/her own recovery by the changing of attitudes and getting rid of self-defeating behavior. 19. The victim must take the responsibility for his/her own actions and reactions in the recovery process. 20. The victim should be prepared to accept help from supporters and God, even if the sexaholic doesnÕt. 21. The victim becomes committed to being in regular fellowship with those who are taking part in his/her recovery, finding a sponsor, mentor, counselor or etc. with whom to go through the recovery experience. 22. The victim begins to learn how to apply the principles and concepts of the 12 Steps to his/her own life. 23. As the victim grows and becomes whole, the victim shares his/her testimony to give glory to God and encourage those who are on the path to recovery. 24. Daily progress, not perfection, is the victimÕs goal, in his/her own unique way, day after day, one step at a time. S-Anon International Family Groups P.. Box 111242 Nashville, TN 37222-1242 (615) 833-3152 ------- And finally, WHO IS TYLER? EDUCATION - TEACHING - HUMAN RESOURCES Classroom Instruction ... Training/Staff Development ... Program Development ... Employee Relations Customer/Community Relations ... Social Casework ... Client Counseling/Training ...Mail Courier ... Summer Bible Camp Counseling... DVBS Teaching... Junior Church Directing ...Sunday School Teaching (K- College/Adult) ... Home Bible Study Leading When I was young, I believed Jesus was real, but I sure didn't think that He Loved me, and I was actively considering a suicidal life style or suicide itselfbecause I didn't care to live in a world that only had selfish and conditional"love". I didn't believe that any human really LOVED any other human. The proof that persuaded me that God not only could but actually did Love me was that Christ died for me. I could argue with most other points, but I couldn't deny that Jesus died. Even unbelievers believed Jesus lived and died. To me that was a historical fact that few disputed. So when I saw that I had solid historical evidence that Jesus died, I was ready to seriously consider that just maybe He Loved me enough to really die for me. I respected and believed the Bible, so when she showed me book after book, chapter after chapter, verse after verse that plainly stated that the reason Jesus died (that solid historical fact), was because God so Loved me and the world and because He wanted to Love me as Father, as Shepherd, as King, as Deliverer in a very intimate and personal relationship, - - - - my eyes began to see, my mind to understand my heart wanted that Love. When she showed me why He let them kill Him, that it was His choice, that He died to take my place in the court of Divine Justice------- well she had me. I couldn't deny that he died, and she persuaded that God so Loved me that He sent His only begotten Son to die in my place so that I could be His child ------- Eureka! Yahoo! I had discovered the Love I was looking for, a Love that I could live for, a Love to give my life to and for. I already had believed that He rose from the dead and was coming back, but now I could have a Father-son relationship with the GOD who was Love. I believed her, accepted Him and got all excited. I told her that I had to check all of this out with the youth sponsor, Chuck Hill, to make sure that all that she told me was right on. After Chuck confirmed everything the woman had told me, I thanked him and went up the other hill side to pray my prayer of thanks, believing, receiving and trusting Jesus as my God, my King and Saviour. I was such a babe I didn't realize that I had been born again as soon as I talked to Chuck, because I believed Jesus and had faith in Jesus alone to bring me into right relationship with God, as soon a Chuck confirmed it all. I believed, received Him and was born again even before I made my big formal acceptance prayer. Talk about a radical life change in a few weeks! Within a month of my 8th grade year (Oct. or Nov.) my grades rose from D+ to an average of "B". Instead ofbeing the expelled disrupter of my youth group, I became a leader in my church youth group, my school's Bible club (the girls had a hard time believing I had changed). Instead of letting my twisted and dysfunctional family pull me downwith them, I determined to do what I could do for my messed up family, especially my mom and dad. Dear Reader, I join Kay Arthur in respectfully asking you, d o you know exactly where you stand with the God and Creator of the universe? Have you asked Him to be your Father in the Heavens? Have you believed/trusted/relied/depended on the Lord/King Jesus Christ ---the God anointed Saviour King of Israel ----to save you from your faults, failures and mistakes? Salvation from personal faults/failures/mistakes belongs to the poor in spirit. Matt. 5:3 says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." If you recognize that you are spiritually destitute---totally incapable of deserving or earning salvation from your errors in any way, you are poor in spirit-- you are humble. The poor in spirit, the humble, understand that they are sinners, totally impotent to please or to serve God. To acknowledge that you are a sinner unable to save yourself is humility. Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners (1 Tim. 1:15). Isaiah said, "When You make His soul an offering for sin, He shall see [His] seed. He shall prolong [His] days and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in His hand. He shall see the distressing travail of His soul, and be satisfied. By His knowledge My righteous Servant shall justify many, for He shall bear their iniquities." Poverty of spirit (humility) is interwoven in the act of repentance, the life-altering change of mind about you, your sin and God. When you repent (change your mind), you see yourself as you really are and you change your mind in respect to your relationship to God the Father and to His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. The act of repentance brings you to see your sin as ugly as it is, as God sees it, and you come to a point where you want to be free from it. Of course, freedom from sin comes only by believing/trusting/ relying on the Lord Jesus Christ. The one who is regularly committing sin is the slave of sin. However, if the Son shall set you free from regularly committing sin, you shall be free indeed (John 8:334,36) The poor in spirit see their impotence to free themselves from sin/failures/faults/errors. They see that freedom is possible only through Christ's death for us as our substitute. They recognize that salvation/deliverance comes by God's act of undeserved and unmeritted kindness and mercy alone. They choose to believe God and His Word about themselves and their relationship with Him. One cannot speak of the Crucifixion apart from the Resurrection. It is the resurrection that gives us newness of life. Christ's resurrection testifies to two vital truths. One, it shows that God was propitiated, or satisfied, with the substitutionary death of Jesus Christ. Jesus became the bearer of our sins. Isaiah's word is "But he was wounded/pierced for our transgressions, bruised/crushed for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes (from the cutting whips) we are healed." In Romans 4:25 we read, "[He] who was delivered up because of our transgressions, and was raised [from the dead] because of our justification." "Raised because of our justifica- tion" means that because Jesus' payment (the death of His body) for our sins was adequate to satisfy the demands of justice and a Holy God, God could then declare us righteous, justified and made acceptable in His sight. Jesus was raised from death because His death for us satisfied the righteousness of our Holy God. His resurrection shows us that Jesus Christ conquered death. Death had a holdover man because of his sin/error/failures/faults. However, once the death penalty of sin was paid for by the death of Christ's body, death no longer had any holding power. "The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law" (1 Corinth. 15:56). Jesus paid the price of redemption, redeeming us from the curse of the Law, having become a curse for us ---for cursed was everyone who was hung on a tree/stake (Deut. 21:23; Gala. 3:13). His death took away the power of sin. Jesus also took the stinger out of death by paying for our sin so that we need have no fear of what awaits us in and after death. Because our sin debt is paid for in full by Christ, death has no power over us. Dear reader, have you come to the end of yourself? Have you seen your total impotence, your total unworthiness? Have you seen your nothingness apart from God? And have you seen Jesus, God the Son who took upon Himself flesh and blood that He might die for you and for all people? Have you decided that you want His Way and Will in and for your life instead of your own will and way? Do you believe that? Do you believe He died in your place? Do you believe that He was made sin for you, so that you, a helpless and hopeless enemy of God, might have His righteousness and His life? Have you repented---turned away from self-will to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ----the God anointed Saviour King of Israel? Out loud with your mouth agree with God about the God anointed Saviour King of Israel, and you will be saved, "for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses [Jesus], resulting in salvation." Romans 10:10-13. Joel 2: 32 And it shall be, whoever shall call on the name of the LORD shall be saved; for salvation shall be in Mount Zion and in Jerusalem, as the LORD has said, and in the remnant whom the LORD shall call. Ps 119:6 Then I shall not be ashamed, when I have respect to all Your commandments. Ps 119:80 Let my heart be sound in Your statutes, so that I may not be ashamed. Ps 119:116 Uphold me according to Your word, that I may live; and let me not be ashamed of my hope. The preceeding Good News presentation is a paraphrase of K. Arthur's "Lord Heal My Hurts" K. Arthur may neither subscribe to, nor endorse my files described below, but the Lord uses her teaching mightily in the mending, healing and restoring of broken lives, and in the nurturing of believers. For more helpful information to help you with your decision and walk in Christ, write K. Arthur at Precept Ministries P.O. Box 182218 Chattanooga, Tennessee 37422 (423) 892-6814 Other resources for your walk in Christ: http://www.emmaus.edu/ http://www.insight.org http://www.freedominchrist.com *********************************** Today, as a Christian social activist and reformer I find myself in the midst of controversy. I readily acknowledge that I know "nothing yet as" I "ought to know", that I have an imperfect understanding and my mentality is finite. Yet I have web and ftp sites (see below) where my cross cultural files are an attempt on my part to deal with real and contemporary life-issues within a Judeo-Christian context as I have experienced them, and I believe that they have validity and relevance no matter what the reader's marital status, culture, status, race or nationality might be. The only "culture" advocated and endorsed is the Judeo-Christian "culture", no love here for the status quo. The ultimate authority accepted here is the God-breathed Word of God as found in the Old and New Testaments of the Holy Bible. I have been called an extremist and informed that I am in a very small minority because of the beliefs expressed in these my files. Like Luther, I have to live by what I believe, so here I stand depending on the sovereignty of God and His unending mercy to show me my error or use my vision to help another pilgrim who has found that the "average American Christian life" is lukewarm and thus grossly inadequate to deal with today's issues and circumstances. These are the subjects/titles available: ¥ Abortion, Malicious Bias, & Genocide (abortion.txt) ¥ Angels, Demons & Spirits (AngelsDemonsSpirits.txt; YouAndAngels) ¥ Biblical Insights on Sex, Morality &Pornography (BiblcaLSexPornMorality) ¥ Black Families' Crisis (PlightOfBlkFem-Fam.txt; BlackFamResrcs+.txt; Black.Family.Resrcs) ¥ Camelot, a Tale of Tragic Love ( A_Camelot_Dedication.txt) ¥ Cherishing Your Women (CherishYourWomen1.txt) ¥ Christian Divorce (Divorce_Remarriage.txt; Divorce_&_Polygamy.html; Christian_Divorce.txt; Christian_Divorce) ¥ Christians and the Tithe ( ChristianTithe.txt ) ¥ Common Law &Informal Marriages (ComnlawInfrmlMarriage.txt) ¥ Crisis Resolution in the Unity of the Spirit (CrisisResolution.txt) ¥ Disciples and Their Suffering (Why_Disciples_Suffer.txt; WhyBelieversSuffer.html) ¥ Divorce & Remarriage (Divorce_Remarriage.txt; Divorce_&_Polygamy.html; Christian_Divorce.txt; Christian_Divorce) ¥ Easter Insights (Easter_Insights.txt; Easter_Insights) ¥ How and When to Marry (WhenHowMarry.txt) ¥ How to Survive Divorce (HowSurvive_Divorce.txt) ¥ Husband Wife Relations (HusbandWifeRelatnsMngny.txt; Husband.Wife.Relatns) ¥ Husbands Rule Wives? (HusbandRuleWife.txt) ¥ Interracial/Interethnic Marriage (InterracialEthncMarrg.txt; RacelessMarriage) ¥ Is Jesus Jehovah God? (IsJesusJehovahGod.txt) ¥ Keeping One's Word (KeepingOne'sWord.txt ) ¥ Keys to Loving Unity in Families and Fellowships (KeysMLovingUnity.txt; Keys4LovingUnity.txt) ¥ The "Let" command of 1 Corinthians 7:9 (Let_Command.txt ) ¥ Man's Need Of Woman (Man'sNeedOfWoman.txt; MenNeedWomen) ¥ The Marriage of the Godly Lasts Until Death Separates (Divorce_&_Polygamy.html) ¥ Marital Intimacy Manual for Contributors (MrtlIntmcyMn4Cntrs.txt) ¥ Matchmaker Resources (MatchmakerResrcsInt) ¥ Me In Christ, What Does It All Mean Really? (WhatIAmInChrist1.txt) ¥ Me In This World, Why? (Why_Me_&_This_World.txt; Why_Me_Now.txt; Why_Me_In_World.html) ¥ No Wedding Vows (NoWeddingVows.txt ) ¥ Oaths, Swearings, Promises (OathsSwrngsPrmss.txt; MarriageOaths) ¥ Plight Of the Black Family (PlightOfBlkFem-Fam.txt) ¥ Plight Of the Black Female (PlightOfBlkFem-Fam.txt) ¥ Power Of Female Beauty (PowrOfFemBeauty.txt) ¥ Prayers for Loved Ones (Prayers4LuvdOnes.txt) ¥ Prisoner Abuse (PrisonerAbuse.txt) ¥ Quotes On Polygyny (QuotesOnPolygyny.txt ) ¥ Racism, Nationalism and Bigotry (racsm.natnlsm.bigtry.txt) ¥ Safe sex? (safe_sex.txt) ¥ Seniors & Polygamy (senior_polygamy.txt) ¥ Sex and Dependent Singles ( Youths_Singles_Sex.txt; UnderageSexBurning.txt) ¥ Song Of Solomon Part1 (SongOfSolomonPt1.txt) ¥ Spiritual Warfare (Spiritual_Warfare.txt) ¥ The Suffering of the Innocent, (Why_Disciples_Suffer.txt; WhyBelieversSuffer.html) ¥ The Tithe & Christians (Tithe&Christians.txt) ¥ Truth vs Falsehoods (truth_vs_lies.txt) ¥ Underage Sexual Burning and 1 Corinth. 10:13 ( Youths_Singles_Sex.txt; UnderageSexBurning.txt) ¥ Unequal Yokes, Interfaith Marriages (UnequalYokes.txt) ¥ Unplanned Polygyny, a Trail of Tears (UnplannedPolygyny2.Txt) ¥ Wedding Covenants (WeddingCovenants.txt) ¥ Who is Tyler? (WhoLTyler.txt) ¥ Why Only One Husband? (WhyOnly1Husbnd.txt) ¥ Why Do "Good" People Suffer? (Why_Disciples_Suffer.txt; WhyBelieversSuffer.html) ¥ Why Would a Wife Share Her Husband? (WhyWifeShreHsbnd.txt) ¥ Polygamy Resources ( PolyResources2.txt) ¥ Polygamy, Divorce & Remarriage (Divorce_&_Polygamy.html; Divorce_and_PolygamyPt1.html; Divorce_and_PolygamyPt2.html; Divorce+PolygamyPt1.txt; Divorce+PolygamyPt2.txt) ¥ Polygamy and Christians Today (ChristianPolyToday.txt ) ¥ Polygamy and Concubines in the Bible (PolygamyConcubines.txt) ¥ Polygamy and the Law (Legal_Polygamy.txt) ¥ Polygamy and the Reformation (reformationpoly.txt) ¥ Polygamy in a Nutshell (minipoly.txt, Polygyny_core.txt; polyamory_unknown.html ) ¥ Polygamy, Traditional Criticisms (objections2poly.txt) ¥ Polygamy's Transition from Old Testament to New Testament times (Ot2NtDivRemPoly.txt) ¥ Polygamy, Morality and Pornography (PolyMoralityPorn76.txt; polyandry) ¥ Polygamy's/Polygyny's Scriptures and Contexts (PolyScripsQuotes.txt; PolygynyInScrips; Biblical_polygamy.html) ¥ Polygynous Families: Keys to Loving Unity in Polygyny ( KeysLovingUnity; Keys2LovingUnity.html) AVAILABLE AT: http://www.etext.info/Religious.texts/Polyamory --- http://www.mindspring.com/~oldservant http://www.etext.info/Religious.Texts/Polyamory ¥ftp.www.etext.info;User:Anonymous; Password: your email address; Directory: /pub/Religious.texts/Polyamory --- ¥ftp.mindspring.com; User: Anonymous; Password: your email address; Directory:/users/oldservant Peace, Tyler oldservant@mindspring.com http://www.etext.info/Religion-----then click on Polyamory http://www.etext.info/Religious.texts/Polyamory http://www.mindspring.com/users/~oldservant