THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY. Copyright © 01/1/'97 This file, in its entirety, may be posted on or copied off of computer networks like Internet or WWW by anyone so inclined. This is an ASCII text only copy of a Macintosh MicrosoftWord5 file made for non-Macintosh folks By Lee, an old servant. To Steve., Ian/John. , Sam, Chris and anyone else who might be comforted with the comfort with which I have been comforted (2Cor.1). TABLE OF CONTENTS I. HOW TO AVOID THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY - P.1 II. THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY III. THE TURNING POINT, ACTING ON FAITH AND THE WORD IV. HOW TO REDEEM UNPLANNED POLYGYNY (by C.W.) I. HOW TO AVOID THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY. (C.Warren) 24 December 1996 Greetings in the Name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ! The only useful imput that I think I can make here is a suggested format for marriage that will preclude such problems recurring if those seriously thinking of entering this principle will embrace them. Most scriptorians know that the ancient Israelites practiced the Law ofBetrothal in order to ensure that marriage began on a sound spiritual footing. What few people realise, though, is that the Israelites had a three-phase marriage system that has been preserved, to this day, by the Samaritans, called DEDICATION, BETROTHAL and MARRIAGE. Dedication was basically a COVENANT OF FRIENDSHIP between a couple who expressed an interest in marriage. In some ways it is like the secular world's concept of "Engagement" being both solemn as well as dissolvable. Not until a proper friendship had been established based (in the New Covenant of Jesus Christ) on a purely platonic relationship-- without the passion of the heart and of the flesh -- were the couple ready for Betrothal. Betrothal was, and is, a legally binding covenantof marriage without ANY sort of sexual contact. This covenant could not be broken. It's purpose was to let the affairs of the heart and of the spirit blossom, thus enabling the Holy Spirit to enter the couple and truly BIND them before the blinding and disorientating passions of the flesh were realeased. Not until this relationship was firmly and securely established was FULL MARRIAGE permitted in which the couple could seal their marriage in the flesh. [A L. note here: Mat. 1 shows us that at this level of covenant in the relationship, the Spirit is already calling him her husband and calling her his wife. Before God they are husband and wife even though the marriage has not been consumated. This works for the young man burning with testosterone rushes (1Cor.7:9) because now his passion and desire is anchored in and focused on his woman. Even though they are not being intimate, his mind can give his body release by desiring her and thinking intimate thoughts of her and have much needed testosterone release in nocturnal emissions or in self stimulation. He can do this without guilt because she is his woman. There is not lust, no desire for the forbidden, since it is not forbidden to think of intimacy with your wife. He is allowed to have his God-given need for testosterone release met in the person of his wife, avoiding the American dilemna and tragedy of the adolescent with all that burning sexual energy who has no legitimate and God given outlet in a wife.] In reading your story it was clear from the very beginning that the root of the problem was sexual in nature. It is, alas, the total condition of our sinful society. In our spiritual fellowship (B'rit Chadashah) we follow the time-honoured and proven Israelite custom and have discovered great stability and spiritual depth. Any marriage built on a sexual foundation, whether monogamous or otherwise, is going to have problems sooner or later especially when it comes up against the high ideals and persistent demands of the commandments of Christ. We must turn to the Spirit first, allow the mind and heart to be worked on BEFORE the sexual passions are given their way. The Law of Moses catered very much for a carnal, rebellious, fleshy people, raised (much as we are today) on the "fleshpots of Egypt". Most of the laws governing polygamy were enacted by the Lord to rescue those who entered the marriage estate by the back door, viz. illiciy sexual liason. Jesus elevated the Law of Moses onto a considerably higher moral place, abolishing not only the shadows and types but also those statutes given to cater for a carnal and sensual people. The whole tone of the New Testament is to elevate spiritual consciousness to the spiritual and away from the legalism of preventative adultery, leaving the latter for the benefit of those trapped by their own descent into temptation and sin. I would like, if I may, to contribute one spiritual insight that was missed, I think, by those who contributed to your page. It concerns the well-known passage where the Sadducees try to trap Jesus in a question concerning the Law of the Levirate (Mt.2:23ff). You remember -- the woman who had married several brothers and all who had died in turn, none leaving her a child. The Sadducees asked: whose woman would she be in the resurrection? And the answer given has, I believe, been almost universally misunderstood by Christians who use this as the sole proof-text for the termination of marriage beyond the grave. I would also like to remind you of Jesus' reply to a disciple who requested that he break his mission tour with the Lord in order to bury his dead father. Jesus replied: "Let the dead bury the dead" (Mt.8:21-22). In other words, "Let the spiritually dead bury the physically dead. You follow me." In this, and similar incidences, we see that Jesus wished to elevate the spiritual consciousness of the people to that required of the NEW Covenant of Christ -- to see beyond the letter of the Law and into the Spirit which alone gives it life. Now whom did Jesus answer concerning the Levirate question? They were the Sadducees, who believed in no after-life and no resurrection. So what was Jesus saying to the Sadducees? Well first, He was talking to the spiritually dead, not the spiritually alive! . . . . Do you suppose that what God has bound on earth by the Spirit He will rip asunder in the resurrection? Does God break what He has joined together? Will that sacred, intimate love between a couple who love each other in a way protected by marriage covenants suddenly vapourise in the resurrection? I find no Scriptural precedent to warrant such a position>1. . Why do I raise this subject here? Because once we have the vision that marriage continues beyond the grave and into the eternities by virtue of the sealing work of Christ, then this will force us to radically reappraise our whole attitude to marriage on earth. We will measure our marital actions not so much by the law and spirit of "full marriage" (which the Law of Moses is mostly concerned with) but in the spirit of "betrothal", which is surely the highest, since that is the (non-sexual) marriage we shall enjoy in the Great Marriage Feast of the Lamb. By looking upon our marriages as transcending the grave, we will be far more motivated here on earth to look at them with spiritual eyes. The old Law is still needed as a net for those such as yourself who make serious mistakes, to protect the rights of wives, and to honour the righteousness of God. But with the New Covenant we must also realise that the Law as a whole has been considerably elevated into something far more glorious than the shadows that were before, and especially in the realm of marriage, of whatever ilk. It's worth thinking about, for the stability and prosperity of those types of marriages which we know are to be the norm in the millennium to come (Isa.4), and which those who are preparing for it now, as path-finders and example-setters, need to incorporate into their lives sooner rather than later. I really believe that if you surrender yourself totally to the mercy of the Lord, standing firm to the Word and your headship in righteousness, sacrificing your own personal desires for the sake of those whom you love, becoming (if necessary) completely celibate for prayer's sake for a time (1 Cor.7:5 -- this is the best way to uncloud the mind and heart of those noisy passions and allow the Spirit to speak) that you may receive a special gift from the Lord. He always honours those who honour Him. But you must put no pre-conditions on Him, even if you believe that you are 100% scripturally right, remembering John Bunyan's testimony in "Pilgrim's Progress" that even lawful things can interfere in the activity of the Spirit. And remember too the Abrahamic sacrifice. Sometimes the most illogical and crazy can lead to wonderful things. Be forgiven and comforted -- do not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow (2 Cor.2:7) -- stand the test and be obedient in everything (v.9) -- for the Lord has directed your heart into His love and Christ's perseverence (2 Thes.3:5, NIV). The grace of our Lord be with you. II. THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY 6/5/96 >Hi L., OK, I used both email address' this time. My (brand new) 2nd wife is not yet living with us at this time, for various reasons (though the commitment before God is final and unbreakable); I hope to have her in our home by the end of this year. (It's going to cause a big stink, family and church, which really makes me mad, since they all claim to believe the bible.) >> N., are you sure you don't want to go the Romans 14:19-23 route with you polygyny? As I understand the Word there, with the Word to live at peace with all inasmuch as is possible within you, that our controversial beliefs and their corresponding behavior should be a private matter between you, God and the parites involved inasmuch as is possible so that your liberty wont wound or destroy the faith of those of a weaker faith. You know the chapter in my divorce document about having a "Loving Conscience" toward civil authority. The way it is working out for me is that my wife goes to her own churches Sunday (fundamental, evangelical Methodist and Baptist), to her own women's fellowship group sponsored by her churches and on special occasions (Christmas, Easter etc) I go with her to special services. I live with her Friday night through Sunday night. I go to my own churches (a fundamental, evangelical Baptist and a fundamental , charismatic, pentecostal church) Sundays and Wednesday nights. I stay at my own little prophets chamber Mon- Thur and see my "concubine-to-be" on those days, Saturday noon for lunch and Sunday lunch after church. The people of my wife's church and the people of my concubine's church never mix or cross fellowship. My concubine was badly broken when her church disbanded and is having reestablishing roots with another fellowship, so she goes with me to my churches when she doesn't have to work. Both my wife and my concubine have good fellowship and support where they fellowship because they keep our polygyny a private matter. Why try to force weak and nonthinking (1Thess 5:21) to accept something that they will probably never have the courage or desire to understand, besides accept. I know that I'll probably never find a preacher/ pastor who will be able to publicly agree with what I believe. I hope to find one someday who will at least privately (Romans 14:19- 23) agree with St Augustine's positions, and maybe even mine too. My family knows about both but doesn't know that my concubine is my concubine, thinking that we are just good friends. I don't know if I will ever give them a full understanding. How do you plan to avoid violating the state's bigamy laws? My concubine-to-be are going to wed by witnessed contract (one from the appendix of my divorce document). `````````````````````````````````` > I have had a husband's authority (an unofficial binding of our hearts and a spiritual authority, NOT a sexual situation) in her life for over a year now, and God has made it clear this is what he wants for us. >>Not meddling, but please share with me the process you went through to come to believe that God wanted you to take a second wife. Did your wife agree at first, later, ever? What level of acceptance does she have? Does she share your vision for a shared marriage and is she as excited and eager about it as you? How have you helped her adjust to the idea? ````````````````````````` >I only have one son by my 1st wife (I'm 34, both ladies are 31), at this tim e, I plan on 2-4 more! >>By both or by one? Is your second wife going to change her last name? How will you handle the naming of your second wife? ````````````````````` >God has matured me so much over this last year, and caused me to rely only on him, that I really don't expect to have a problem in my home when both ladies are present. >>That's the only way to fly. If I've learned anything it is that my marriage does only as well as I do well in private intercessory prayer and Bible meditation and personal application. Whenever I have cut back on time in the Word or in prayer, my marriage (wife and children) has suffered accordingly. There is a real advantage for your marriage/ family if you do the Daniel 10 fast once every several months and the Esther's total fast every six months to a year--but it sure takes cooperation on the part of the family for that total fast. >> My Islamic email friend from Thailand, Rafiq the retired professional, has two wives now. He took the second younger one without his older wife's consent or blessing. Last I heard he was maintaining them in separate buildings with the hope they would be under one roof eventually. To him, as a moslem, his discipline is to make sure that he is always fair and equitable with both of them in terms of time spent, money spent etc. He made it pretty clear he married the younger wife for sex, but was having a harder time helping her adjust than helping his older wife adjust. My other Islamic email friend, Ismail the book publisher, has two wives and a number of children and they live freely and joyfully under the same roof. He lost two of his wives in a gang attack in Thailand, they didn't approve of his polygyny, raped and beat his wives and he had to fL.for his life. His hope is to go back and get them if they are still alive and well. ```````````````````````` >Your Divorce&Polygamy document was very interesting, I found many goo d Biblical arguments,though I wouldn't say I agreed with everything. >>Glad to hear that. Fellowship with a clone is rarely stimulating and stretching. A different perspective is challenging and stimulating. `````````````````` >I wonder if you've ever been on the Web to the "God's Free Men" site? >>I've only found the Mormon and Islamic web site "Polygamy Headquarters". Thanks for the tip. ````````````````````` >Your personal Who R. T. doc was interesting, though it doe sn't mention Polygamy :-) I'd be very interested in hearing some of your story in this area, too. >>My polygyny journey led right to the divorce.remarriage document you read. I was interested in polygyny ever since I studied it as a cultural anthropologist in college, and as a Christian I could find no scripture that indicated it was unacceptable to God. I didn't succeed at my first marriage with one wife at the age of 26, so I sure wasn't ready to consider marriage with more than one wife, although my first wife and I talked about it a couple of times. At 31, married to my second wife ( B., whom I loved passionately and sincerely) and still in love with my first wife who had remarried, I got tangled up in the Law of Moses and thought that I had to marry this dear new lady, Sincere, who had touched my life. B. was actually willling to accept Sincere with the provision that I would never make love with the Sincere in the same house with her. Sincere loved B., deeply moved by her kind and friendly acceptance, and opted out of the shared marriage because she felt she couldn't put B. under that kind of strain. >>After 17 years of marriage, my dear "Christian" B. said she had enough of me and left me. I was crushed and had a wierd physical/mental reaction to her departure. Soon after she left my hormones kicked in and I was under fire (1 Cor. 7:5) and burning with a bad failure rate (1 Cor. 7:9). There was no way that B. was coming back, yet she claimed sincerely to be a genuine Christian who seemed to have opted for separation (1Cor.7:10, 11) leaving us bound to each other as husband and wife for life (1Cor.7:39). Well that was fine for her because I knew she could turn off sexually and cruise on without losing steam. That was not fine for me, who just steamed. >>There I was, bound to B. for life, so that if I divorced her to marry another I'd be committing adultery (Mark 10:1-12). But there I was taking hit after hit (1Cor7:5) and burning in failure (1 Cor.7:9). I knew God's solution for this shot up and burning sitting duck was marriage from those passages (1Cor.7:5,9), but how could I marry bound by God to B. for life? So I began to dig in the Word, study, meditate, pray and ask God for the wisdom He had promised. Within a year I began to see that polygyny was not only accepted by God, he legislated about it through Moses, blessed most of His leaders of Israel who were polygynist and actually told David that He had given multiple wives to David as part of His blessing of David. When I saw that the moral code had not changed since the Old Testament, even though the punishments had, and that Jesus and the apostles were keeping the OT Law throughout the gospels and the apostles themselves kept the OT Law throughout the book of Acts (not the gentile believers Acts 15) until theWord came in Ephes 2 and Colos 2 to stop keeping it----I knew that OT polygyny was accepted and blessed by Jesus and the apostles. That was all I needed. I told B. I was going to divorce her on irreconcilable differences only becuase I needed to be married. I told her personally that I still believed I was maritally bound to her and that I would be for life, and that the divorce was only a formality to give us both what we wanted-her freedom of me and my ability to remarry. She consented and we breezed through a do it yourself divorce. >>I went in hot pursuit of a wife. My third wife-concubine, by vows exchanged privately before God in mutual prayer(I couldn't afford the divorce and hadn't found a do-it-yourself kit yet), married knowing full well that I believed I was still maritally bound to B., but believed that B. would never come back or want me again. She broke off the marriage over my daughters (she felt she had to choose between her bigotted dad and my Black-White-Indian daughters, and so chose her dad). >> I was desperate, heart-broken and burning in failure. I asked God to pick my next wife and I believe He did (a great story) pick R.. When we were about to be engaged, after a lovely dinner out and in a moonlit parking lot, I told her that there was one obstacle to us marrying. I told her I believed I was still maritally bound to both B. and Dianne, that if she married me and they came back to me in repentance asking me to be husband to them that I would have to accept them back and be husband to her and them to the best of my ability. She thought about it there in the moonlit parking lot for about five minutes (already believing that God had personally told her that I was His choice for her) as I silently waited and prayed. She finally responded that she believed that B. would never want me back and that Dianne would never give up her dad for my daughters, so she was perfectly safe marrying me and would have me all to herself. So we married and had a full blown and passionately delightful engagement and first year of marriage. >>Then her son came back as I had hoped, but she did not let me raise him as I had hoped. He had been homosexually abused, physically abused, emotionally abused, was attention deficit disordered and was dyslexic (sp). He came back an unholy terror and terribly dirsupted our home, was kicked out of each school after an average of 3 months, was in trouble with the law and R. refused tolet met parent and discipline him so I was reduced to being her body guard--protecting her and my daughter from him. That was a poison pill. I had already had grave reservations about her as a Christian parent when I had seen her, driven by persistent harrassment and great frustration, verbally revile her controlling and manipulative daughter. The reviling was so evil and intense it seemed to come form the depths of Hell. I lost all respect for her as a mother. When she began to bad mouth my daughter to me (because in this nightmare home full of A. conflict she chose to stay in her room most of the time to be out of harms way--and to stay out of R.'s way because she had become all stressed and uptight and a shouter since A.'s return) and say that perhaps she should live somewhere else if our marriage was going to survive----I lost all respect for her as a person and all my passionate and sexual desire for her died, reduced to ashes by the winter of '91/'92. I still was committed to being the best husband I could be, committed to our vows, committed to living with her according to the Word of God--but then I had to think of my exwives to be able to keep an erection or have an orgasm with R.. She knew I was having a problem, but she knew I was an Abstract- Sequential learner/ thinker so she knew I was highly distractable and had difficulty concentrating so she said she didn't care who I thought of, just so I could give her that erection and our orgasms. I began to pray that (1) God would heal my mind and enable me to climax with M thinking of M alone, (2) If He didn't heal my mind, could He please give me a Black concubine who would sexually enable me to climax with M. while thinking of her. I felt both were solutions acceptable to God, since all sexual expression would be realized within the context of marriage. >>Four years later, as I was sinking in a deadly depression over our marriage, the loss of a beloved friend, and our conflict about my career, having been ill with bouts of bronchits and the flu for three months and unable to work regularly----we had a critical conflict over her son and my daughters---and she asked me to move out the day before our fifth wedding anniversary (2/25). I felt and believed the marriage was over and went out looking for my next wife. Within a week I met Black and poor P., single mother of three (2,10,13). We hit it off from the first and within a week I was telling her I wanted her to consider marraige to me and our dating as courtship leading to marriage. She was open to it and agreed to consider the possiblity. She said she knew I was at a low point, hurting and needing someone to love and she thought better her than someone esle who might not be as good to me. >>Then R. came back in a few weeks with the news that she hadn't meant for me to move out permanently, that she hoped we would be back together after I got back to work and got out of my depression. She didn't understand that my depression evaporated as soon as P. said she would consider marriage to me, thinking that R. and I would get a divorce and we would get married. But here was R. (for whom I had no passion or desire for four years) saying she was counting on us getting back together again because she realized that she had never felt so loved by anyone as by me, she had never had such a great sex life as we had, and she had never had such explosively intense orgasms in her life as she had by me. When I realized that R. wanted us to reconcile, I asked P. if she was ready to maritally commit to me, and she said she wasn't yet. Then I asked her what commitments/promimses she would want from me even if R. and I reconciled. She told me and I made those commitments to her. >>Here was R. believing he was bound by God to R. for life and intent on keeping his vows and God's Word with reference to R.----and R. head over heals in passionate and romantic love with P.. When R. and I got together on weekends after her announcement, she said that I hadn't had such great orgasms with her in years but she didn't know I was thinking of P. when I climaxed, yet. When I told her I had chosen to fall in love with P. and loved her dearly, that I had made some solemn promises to P. that would involve me with her even after we reconciled, she accepted the news and my solemn promises reluctantly. Her hope is that P. will find someone else and drop out of the picture. P. is seriously thinking about maritally committing to me and becoming my concubine. If I get the job for which I have an interview Friday (6/28) I would move to the job in Imperial County, get a three bedroom apartment for P., kids and I. I would live with P. Mon-Friday am and live with R. in San Diego County Friday night through Sunday afternoon. R. is excited about this job opportunity because it would solve our financial crisis and since she can't give up her excellent career position, she is ready and willing for me to live there and be with her only on the weekends. She doesn't know that P. and I considering maritally commiting and living together. I want to wait until I see if I get the great job. If I get the job, I would have to let R. know by 9/96 because P. and I would probably commit and start living together in Imperial County so her kids could start school there. If I don't get the job, it might take P. more time to decide. The fathers of her children never would marry her and she had to put each of them out because, after months of marrriage, they wouldn't continue working and stopped helping support the family, but started beating and abusing her. So she wants to see what kind of worker, bread winner and provider I am before she makes the marital commitment. If and when we maritally commit, she is willing to be my "concubine" and share me with R.. >>So why am I not asking for R.'s approval and blessing of my hoped for marital commitment with P.? The reasons are physical, emotional and spiritual. Physically I have to have an orgasm 2 or 3 times a week at least or else my prostrate gets so congested I cannot urinate normally--and the next step is prostititis. I can't have an orgasm unless I'm thinking of someone I love and desire---result of years of mind control trying to stay a sexually chaste. I need P. for my sexual health, to have my orgasms; and for my emotional health, a safe and tender haven for my heart. R. seems unable to give me the unselfish and unconditional cherishing my soul yearns for. She has not been a safe and tender haven for my heart for years because of her temper and verbal outbursts. Without her and just with R. means I cannot come to orgasm with R. and I have to rely on pictures to have the orgasms I need---a grossly inadequate solution and not desired by me or R.. If I couldnot have orgasms with her she would feel a failure as a woman/wife and the marriage would go into crisis. >>Until God intervenes miraculously, the only way I can give R. the sex life she wants and longs for is if I have P. and can think of her. That is how I am going to present the situation to her and leave it to her to work out with God. If R. dumps me because of P., that will be her decision, because neither P. nor I want my marriage to R. to fail. In fact, when P. learned that R. wanted us to reconcile, she told me later that she would have broken off our relationship if I even considered dumping R. for her. She said she would have no part in encouraging or causing me to leave R., and she couldn't respect me if I dumped R. for her. For my part, I have no intention of breaking my promises to R. or Paula. >>We are seeing a great Christian PhD counselor, and he has stated that it will take a miracle for R. and I to save our marriage. Without God's miraculous intervention, he feels it would take years for me to regain respect for R. and for me to feel safe enough with R. again to drop all my mental and emotional defenses and have normal feelings of passion and desire for her. He said right up front that the only way the marriage can be saved is if her son and my daughters don't ever live with us again. The Psychiatrist I am seeing to try to reprogram my head to help me find respect and feelings of desire and passion for R., tentatively said that I could never regain it for R. without dropping P.- --but he is still weighing all the factors for his final recommendation. He has not yet determined a way to rekindle the respect, passion and desire for R.. I would not drop P. at his recommendation but I would try some techniques to regain passion and desire for R.. It is too late to drop P. The promises and commitments have been made. And so I stand at the door of actual and practical polygyny (6/5/96). From R to S: During a time of prayer and fasting just before Thanksgiving (11/96), the Lord used old photos to open my eyes and my heart so that I could see how sweet and beautiful my wife was and is, what a precious companion and great friend she has been, what a precious soul she has and how that precious soul was damaged by alcoholic and verbally abusive parents and by a verbally abusive husband who desserted her with two small children. I saw how I had allowed bitterness, resentment and anger to alienate my wife and I. I saw how I had withdrawn from her emotionally because of all the verbal conflict and her threats and my belief that the marriage was doomed. I fell in love with my wife again, but this time it was easier for me to believe that she really loves me because of her explanations as we have discussed the events that led to our separation. I still don't have the passion back for her, but I know that I have moved from 1 Cor. 13 love for her, to the affectionate love of phileo---I really like her now and greatly esteem her as my dear and devoted friend and companion. We have agreed to psychiatric and godly psychological counseling to help us see how and where we are damaged and why, with hope of deliverance and healing so that we can have the complete trinity of love, agapŽ, phileo and eros love in our marriage and for each other. We have put everything, everyone and every relationship on the altar for His will to be done. I just hope it is possible to save the marriage and our relationship. We have not overcome the problems of the promises I made to P or the concubine covenant/commitment I made with P and that could prevent reconciliation. Back to your emailed response: Contrary to both the spirit and the letter of 1 Cor. 7:5 we had not agreed to the separation, it was not for prayer and fasting, we had not agreed on a return date, and I believed our sexual intimacy was terminated (five or six weeks later -after my promises to PD - I found out that she had not terminated her availability for sexual intimacy). I left as she ordered and assumed that the marriage was over because of the unilateral nature of her actions (rejecting totally my headship in the marriage) which, as far as I was concerned, violated and broke or wedding covenants. Because of our irreconcilable differences (her rejection of my spiritual leadership in the home, my career/work goals and prospects, of my child rearing standards and practices, of my vain attempts to bring the family under a working budget, of my churches, of my mother and daughters etc.) I believed there was no hope for the marriage. The counseling we had up till then hadn't enabled us to resolve the issues well enough for us to continue together. Thinking the marriage was over finally, as ordered I left asking God to provide me with a wife since I felt I had just lost mine and I knew I needed to have a wife in order to avoid fornication (1Cor7:1-5). FROM S : Lee, I have a problem with this. Here the marriage you had was in a shambles - why would you be asking for another wife when you hadn't yet sorted out the problems with the marriage you already had? FROM R: I thought I had sorted out the problems to the best of my ability. For three years I had struggled with my inability to maintain and erection or come to orgasm with her (with spiritual and secular means). She refused to attend my churches with me and I could not stay awake in her churches. I firmly believed she would not give me any peace if I took a teaching job with a Christian school, as I desired, or if I accepted any job paying less than 20K a year. I knew I was in a deep depression because I believed that when she saw that I couldn't get the job she expected me to get, she would turn on me and end the marriage (my second wife left me because I didn't earn enough-- she was tired of being poor). She had consistently refused most of my advice and suggestions for raising her children, most of which advice was confirmed by the social workers, school counselors and psychiatrists. She refused to bring our spending under a unified budget even when I warned her we were spending $500 a month more than we earned, even with me making $1500 a month. She felt she should have the final word in financial matters and in matters of the house since she made twice as much as I made. She gave me a bad time about my daughters and the time I spent with them. I had sorted out these problems to the best of my ability, seeking God's and man's solutions. >>>> S SAID: Did you understand yet how you had contributed to the break-up of your first marriage? How could you even think you were ready to enter into another union until you took sufficient time to settle up the issues of the first one? To me, this seems neither wise nor shows real seriousness toward the marriage you were already in. >> R: I had seen Christian and secular counselors and I thought I had an understanding of my contribution to the break-up of the marriage. I felt I had made every good faith effort possible to settle up the issues of the first marriage, only to see them all fail or be rejected. For three long and agonizing years I had tried every resource available to me, both spiritual and secular, all to no avail. I believe I showed real seriousness about the marriage, except that I failed to fast and pray for the marriage--- a major mistake. Seriousness was there, but perhaps not wisdom. >>>> S : As to finding another woman - this is no evidence that she was an answer to prayer. There are always women available - and remember, Satan hears our prayers too. One of his most effective weapons against us is for him to offer us something we desire or have prayed for wRgly. Then when we receive the 'gift' we are deceived into thinking it's from God. Through this ploy Satan can soon have one defending Satan's plan as '"God's will" ! What a destructive deception that is! >> R: You are right, it is no evidence that she was an answer to prayer that she was there and available when I met her AFTER my wife had kicked me out. It could be either way, God's provision or Satan's deception. Only time will tell. He has blessed me more than ever in almost every way since I became involved with PD. I had little trouble finding temporary work and right after I made my promises to PD I applied for the job that I now have . Shortly after I accepted PD as my concubine they made the decision to hire me paying me more than I have ever earned, using me to spiritually challenge and minister to prisoners and staff as never before. He has granted unparalleled favor and acceptance on the part of my supervisors and I am having fewer problems with the prisoners than any other new staff and most of the old staff, especially those with whom I work directly. My health has never been this good for so long. My relations with my mother (manic-depressive) and my adult daughters has never been better. Even the car runs (2000 m. p. month) miraculously since I accepted PD as concubine, even with major circuits dead or shorted out. The ABSENCE OF CHASTENING of me alone is confirmation to me that she is an answer to prayer or that I am totally unsaved and spiritually dead, an instrument of the Devil and/or his cohorts. My wife who dislikes children, my daughters, my churches, my poor and low-class saints, and my mother was followed by my concubine who loves children, my daughters, my churches, my poor and low-class saints and my manic-depressive mother. My wife wants me alone and all to herself, perhaps even to the exclusion of my church people, my daughters, my mother and PD. My concubine has often sacrificed our time together so that I can be with my wife, willingly sharing me with my wife (encouraging me to do right to my wife), feeling great affection for my mother and my daughters (insisting that I regularly contact my mother) and enjoying my churches. >> R : My wedding "covenant" is as follows: "R, do you accept M to be your wife? "Do you commit yourself to be *faithful to her, in all virtue and honor, in all duty and service, in all *faithfulness and tenderness, to live with her and compassionately cherish her according to the Word of God, in the holy bond of marriage? "Do you leave your parents and loyally bond with her to be one in marriage submitting to each other in reverence to God? "Do you R, desire with all your heart to live wisely with M; respectfully, compassionately and sacrificially cherishing her, feeding her the Word, taking care of her and leading her by your example? "I, R, make a covenant with you, M, this day. I take you as my wedded wife before God and these witnesses; to faithfully cherish you as my wife, to love you and honor you in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, all the days of my life." *"faithful" & "faithfulness" I understand to mean that I will not leave her (1Cor7:10,11), I will not divorce/leave her to marry another (Mark 10), and I will keep my promises to her. These are the things I knowingly and deliberately promised to PD before God and before I knew for sure that R hadn't ended the marriage and wanted us to reconcile and eventually get back together: 1. 10% of my net income. 2. Take her and/or her kids to church Sunday morning and Wednesday night if they wanted to go. 3. Take her and her kids to the budget movie either Monday or Tuesday if they wanted to go. 4. If I can, help her with transpo Mon. and Tuesday. 5. If she has no ride home Saturday night after work and she needs one (she has the kids, her back hurts, the weather is bad etc.), then I give her one and get her a drink on the way home. To the best of my knowledge, reasoning ability and understanding of scripture, my promises to PD do not violate any of my wedding covenants made with M. >>>> S : Here is what you asked: I HAD BETTER NOT BREAK THOSE PROMISES TO PD IF I KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME. IF YOU KNOW OF ANY SCRIPTURE THAT SAYS I AM FREE OF THOSE PROMISES, OR THAT WHAT I PROMISED IS SIN, THEN PLEASE SHARE THEM WITH ME. Here is my answer: Before ever you promised anything to PD you entered into a covenant with your wife in these words: "Do you, R, desire with all your heart to live wisely with her; respectfully, compassionately and sacrificially cherishing her, feeding her the Word, taking care of her and leading her by your example? "I, R, make a covenant with you this day. I take you, M, as my wedded wife before God and these witnesses; to faithfully cherish you as my wife, to love you and honor you in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, all the days of my life." My question to you would be, not have you kept your promises toward PD - but have you kept your covenant with your first wife? >> R: Up to two months before she kicked me out she had told me repeatedly that she had never felt so loved, been so loved, felt so free, had such great sex or felt she had such a best friend as she had been loved, freed, sexed and befriended by me. Her own mouth testified that, to the best of my ability in the Lord, I was living wisely with her, cherishing her, finding and leading her to spiritually enriching people/places/things, trying to lead spiritually, honoring her through it all. My major failing was not fasting and praying for us and our marriage. >>>> S :Do you think praying for a new wife while your present marriage was in a shambles and entering into a new relationship through fornication was "cherishing" "loving" and "honoring" your first wife "in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, all the days of (your) life"...? Rather than "compassionately and sacrificially cherishing" your first wife were you not simply more concerned with getting your own needs met? In your own words you entered into your relationship with PD through "sin" -not through an act of obedience to God's will in your life. While having more than one wife is not in itself a sin this relationship started out as sin -making everything built upon that sinful start sin also - including the covenants and promises arising therefrom. >> R: In three years of seeking spiritual and secular solutions I had found none and felt that perhaps a concubine would be an acceptable way to keep my wife happy sexually and allow me to be having my own wife/concubine to help me with my 1 Cor.5&9 needs. Both God and I were and are concerned about getting my "own needs met". You know the verses: " let your requests be made known to God. . . Delight yourself also in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart. . .my God shall supply all your need . . . " This relationship was not entered into in sin, nor were the promises. I entered into the relationship moved with compassion for an inarticulate, semi- literate, struggling, poverty stricken, carless, Black single Christian mother of three young children squeezed into a roach infested one bedroom apartment in a gang ridden neighborhood. There is no child support coming from the fathers of the children who each left her after they broke their promises to marry her and sorely beat her. Her job pays less than minimum wage. I entered into the relationship, as Boaz for Ruth, seeking to help her, assist her, provide for her and seek her well being. According to 2 Cor. 8&9 my plenty supplied her lack, seeing my sister in need I opened the bowels of my compassion (1Jn.3:16) and materially provided for her to the best of my ability. The one sinful act--a week into the relationship, thirty minutes +/- out of thirty plus days preceding the promises, was totally unsolicited by me and spontaneous by her as the only way she felt she could adequately show her gratitude for my generosity and help to her and her family in a time of real crisis for them. To a passerby at both events her behavior would appear a little more scandalous than when Ruth laid at Boaz's sleeping feet on the threshing floor, something good single Jewish girls just didn't do. The fornication was immediately repented of and forsaken, not repeated. Weeks later in an ongoing chaste relationship I made the promises to her. This is the situation as I see and saw it. This is from my DIVORCE & POLYGAMY. Then there is the saved couple, Sam and Sophia. He marries Sophia, both genuinely saved and free to marry in the Lord, and they vowed/ covenanted to be husband and wife to each other, pledging their troth in all honor, love, duty, service, faith and tenderness, to cherish and live with each other according to the ordinance of God, honoring and keeping each other in the holy bond of marriage. Before God and other witnesses they promised and covenanted to be each others comforting, loving and faithful mate; in plenty and in lack, in joy and grief; in infirmity and health; as long as they both live. Then Sam hears from Sophia's mouth that the law of kindness and wisdom do not rule her tongue. In fact he hears the carnal, fleshly, diabolical, spirit-killing words that come flooding out of Sophia's mouth during intense outbursts of rage, wrath and frustration. Then she sins by threatening him with the end of the marriage if he didn't do what she wanted him to do. Sam didn't plan it, expect it or desire it but the grief felt, the offense taken, the disappointment felt, and the apprehension induced iced his passions for her and he no longer felt any passion for her. He is unable to have an erection with her unless she physically induces it and he can't keep it up without her direct stimulation. He is unable to have an orgasm with her no matter what she does or how hard he tries. Because he has no effective sexual fulfillment or release with Sophia, he comes under the tormenting temptations predicted in 1 Cor. 7:5 & 9 even though he is married and intimate with Sophia. Sam knows that if he doesn't clear his prostrate he will have prostrate congestion in a week. If he doesn't clear the prostrate, he knows his prostrate congestion will become prostititis which will require an antibiotic, and cause him to have to urinate frequently since the prostrate is squeezing the urethra (causing him problems at work and at night). He knows that recurrent prostititis and prostrate congestion usually leads to prostrate cancer, besides making it very difficult to work since urination is necessary hourly. He knows he has no nocturnal emissions, that he must be faithful sexually, that if he tries to self- induce an orgasm he will have serious spiritual problems with what he is thinking while doing it, that he can't afford to have the doctor massage out the prostrate's fluids and he can't bear to ask Sophia to stick her finger up his rectal sphincter to massage out his prostrate several times a week. When he tries to self stimulate to orgasm Sophia resents it, feeling cheated. Then he finds that if he thinks of his ex-wives he can usually come to orgasm while making love with Sophia. Sophia says she doesn't care who he thinks of just so he has an orgasm with her while making love . But then he finds that about half of the time he can't even come to orgasm with her thinking of his ex-wives because the memories often are too painful and kill his passion so that he cannot have an orgasm with Sophia. Unable to have the orgasm he needs to clear his prostrate, his testosteRe blood level climbs and as it climbs the burning and tormenting temptations (1Cor.7:5,9) flood his mind and drive him to tormented distraction. Satan is using his high testosterone blood levels to tempt him and distract him from Godly things and life's business at hand. Sophia is periodically tormented with thoughts of inadequacy and failure when she is unable to bring him to climax. Sam finds that even though he is married he is experiencing all the temptations and prostrate problems he experienced as a single man. He goes forward for prayer, for the laying on of hands, for the anointing of oil by the elders and for the counsel of godly counselors. Nothing happens. Still there is no passion for Sophia and no orgasm with Sophia. He grieves for her because he feels her frustration and he is deeply concerned about his own frustration, burning and prostrate congestion. Sophia and Sam have a bitter disagreement and she tells him he must move out an live elsewhere. Sam thinks the marriage is over by this gross violation of the wedding covenant. Now he believes he has no wife at all to help him put out the flames of his testosteRe passion. Then he meets Serena and within weeks begins to talk of marriage with her, even though it would have to be polygyny because he believed he was still bound by the Lord to Sophia. After a while he makes solemn and binding promises to Serena. Sophia then tells Sam she wanted it to be a temporary separation, that the marriage was still on in her mind and they start having sex again. Sam finds that he can easily have an orgasm with Sophia by remembering affectionate (non sinful) memories of Serena. Sophia is not happy with Sam's promises to Serena but she is happy with the orgasms she and Sam have together. Serena is happy that Sam is keeping his promises to her and that she is helping Sam have orgasms with Sophia. After months of counseling and reconciliation efforts apparently fail and seem fruitless, finding himself seriously tempted to think improper thoughts of Serena, burning with testosteRe desire for women in general and sensing that failure to control himself/his thoughts (1Cor.7:5,9) is imminent, he submits to God's plan for controlling passionate burning , marriage (1Cor.7:5,9, 36), taking saved Serena as his unofficial concubine, not legal wife (since it is illegal to have two wives). Serena accepts him even though he and Serena both know that he is still bound before the Lord to Sophia as husband. For him to reject, repudiate and forsake his marital bond to Sophia in order to be marital with Serena would make him an adulterer and his marriage to Serena, adultery>R. 215 . Acknowledging his marital bond with both Sophia and Serena he becomes a polygynist, not an adulterer. If Sophia doesn't want to be married to an active polygynist, she can sin by leaving him and repent by remaining chastely single as long as he lives (1Cor.7:10,11). If Sophia chooses to remain married to Sam, then in thought, word and deed he must love each according to his covenants to the best of his God given ability.>R. 124 . If Sophia chooses to remain married to Sam, then Sam can give her the orgasm she wants by thinking of Serena when climaxing with Sophia and their marital crisis is past. [Footnote: >R. 214 1 Cor. 7:11,39. >R. 215 (Mark 10:11,12; Luke 16:18). >R. 124 Psalm 15 Swears to his own hurt and changes not. . . . .Eccles. 5 Rom. 1:31,32] What kind of sister would be concubine to such a brother? Perhaps one who saw his need>R. 92 and was moved with compassion and, having what he needs she lays down her life for him to minister as wife-concubine to him>R. 93 . Perhaps she feels called to be his good Samaritan concubine in his wounded and neglected need on his marital Jericho road. She would have to be of one mind and one faith with him to be his concubine privately and discreetly so as not to offend the Body of Christ (Rom. 14). They would have to agree to deny themselves the free and open exercise of 1 Cor. 7:2-5). They would have to exercise those rights and needs within the limitations of privacy and discretion before God and the Body of Christ>R. 94 . Wouldn't they have to agree not to lie or deceive while on the other hand they would have to agree to obey Rom. 14:28ff in not breaking their commitment to privacy and discretion, even if they have to say nothing when asked? Wouldn't it be a marriage fraught with self denial, self sacrifice and self control? Why would any normal woman want it? [Footnote: >R. 92 (1 Cor. 7:2-5). >R. 93 (1 J. 3:14-18). >R. 94 (Rom14:28-).] Anyone who did this would have to selflessly and unselfishly seek the protection and well being even of his hard and angry wife. He would have to do everything possible to make sure that any concubine he would have would not bring harmful sexually transmitted diseases (including HIV) into the germ pool of their polygyny . That would mean genital cultures, blood tests and abstaining from marital intimacy/commitment and waiting several months for repeated tests since HIV might not show up for several months. Since STDÕs, including HIV, can be transmitted by bloody saliva in kissing, wouldn't they have to abstain even from kissing until all tests came back okay? [END OF QUOTE FROM DIVORCE & POLYGAMY] >>>> S : This [situation of yours] is similar to the situation that arose in Ezra's day. The Israelite remnant that returned from Babylon to Israel were under a pre-existing covenant (in this case with God) that required them not to marry the pagan population of the land. Nevertheless, they entered into such marriages on a wide scale. When Ezra heard of this he was greatly grieved. He humbled himself before God and prayed, ". . . . . Shall we again break your commands and intermarry with the peoples who commit such detestable practices? Would you not be angry enough with us to destroy us, leaving us no remnant or survivor? O LORD, God of Israel, you are righteous! We are left this day as a remnant. Here we are before you in our guilt, though because of it not one of us can stand in your presence." While Ezra was praying and confessing, weeping and throwing himself down before the house of God, a large crowd of Israelites--men, women and children--gathered around him. They too wept bitterly. And Shecaniah, the son of Jehiel . . . answered and said unto Ezra . . . Now let us make a covenant before our God to send away all these women and their children, in accordance with the counsel of my lord and of those who fear the commands of our God. Let it be done according to the Law. ..." Ezra 9:10-10:4 NIV Thus God's people realized that they broke the pre- existing covenant with God through entering into covenant with foreign wives. They did not tell God: "It's too late now for us to turn back - because we must honor our marriage covenant with these foreign wives." Instead they acknowledged that thoseunions were sin in the first place and they repented of that sin by annulling those marriages that never were in the will of God. Were those sinful men hurt in having to give up beloved wives and children? Were the women and children that were sent away hurt? Most certainly! Was that God's fault - or was it the sin of those who had entered into those marriages through sin in the first place? >> R: Let's take a closer look at the Ezra 9 & 10 event, comparing it the Gibeonite thing (Joshua 9 & 10, 2 Samuel 21,David, Saul) and the Babylon thing (Ezek 17:11-15). FIRST: In Ezra 9 the messengers (the princes/leaders) are apparently not sent by God to Ezra, and are not authorized directly by God. In Joshua 9 and 2 Sam. 21 either God's chosen leader is the messenger or God speaks directly to God's designated leader about the situation. In Ezekiel 17 the messenger is God's designated prophet and he speaks God's words to the king. SECOND: The Ezra 9 messengers misquote God's Word, condemning marriage with Egyptians (SeeExodus 23; 34 and Deut. 7). God put a curse on messengers who claimed to speak for God. Like Satan these princes misquoted scripture, reflecting their own biases. Most legalists go beyond scripture (Matt.23:1-7; Mark 7:1-10).In Joshua 9, 2 Sam. 21 and Ezekiel 17, God's word and will are correctly presented to the sinners by his designated leaders and spokesmen. THIRD: The repentance proposed by Ezra's Shecahniah has no precedent or basis in scripture, i.e. putting away unsaved wives. When God personally rebuked Solomon for marrying unsaved aliens, He did not tell him to divorce or put them away (1King 11). When godly Nehemiah encountered the Israelites who married unsaved aliens, he contended with them, cursed them, struck them, pulled out their hair, drove them away, and made them swear, HE DID NOT MAKE THEM PUT AWAY THOSE WIVES (Neh. 13). When God commanded the Israelites not to marry the Canaanites (See Ex. 23; Ex 34; Deut. 7), He told them what would happen to them but He never commanded them to put them away. Even in Malachi 2 those who married Canaanites were to be cut off from the people and temple but were never told to put their wives away. And the final word from God's own Spirit and designated messenger was given in 1 Corinth. 7:12-15 where the putting away of the unsaved is forbidden unless they have abandoned the believer. The Bible is full of well meaning Israelites who did something for God that God never authorized nor willed (e.g. Saul and his bleeting sheep and the guy who tried to help the ark of the covenant etc.) FOURTH: God punished the breaking of covenants sincerely made in good faith when those covenants were made with forbidden people, the ungodly, deceivers and tyrants (Joshua 9, 2 Sam.21, Ezek. 17). God wants His people to keep their word, even if it is to their own hurt (Psa 15; Eccles 5; Rom. 1:31,32). Ezra 9 & 10 neither have the seal of God nor the mandate from God for putting away unsaved wives or breaking solemnly made sincere and good faith covenants. I believe Ezra meant well but He failed to inquire of the Lord before he acted, just like Joshua in Josh. 9. So Ezra 9 becomes one more example of Matt. 23:1-12. >>>> S : I see you in a similar situation as in Ezra above. You entered into a union with PD through sin - breaking your covenant with both God and your first wife. In this you sinned against everyone involved - God - your wife - PD - her kids - and yourself. I don't say any of this as condemnation; but simply as a statement of the facts as I see them. >> R: As stated above, I entered into my relationship with PD according to 1 J. 3:16,17 with 2 Cor. 8 & 9. The sin against God and my wife followed days later, lasted minutes and was immediately repented of and forsaken, not repeated. >>>> S : There is no way to fully repent of this without withdrawing fully from this sin - which must mean annulling this union with PD which was entered into outside of the will of God and in violation of your covenant with your wife to honor and cherish her. >> R: 2 Cor. 7, godly sorrow and repentance were implemented and we quit the sin and cleared ourselves of it, as the Word instructs. Neither Ezra 9 nor any other scripture says that it is a sin to take a wife/concubine, especially when you understand that you essentially have no wife (by the breaking of the union and covenants) and are burning from the temptations promised in 1 Cor. 7:5, resulting in God's solution and command, i.e. to marry (1 Cor. 7:5,9,36). God never forbade marriage to PD (a single Christian sister) as He forbade marriage to unbelieving aliens and believers living in sin. He never declared any of the patriarchs to be sinners when they took another wife/concubine. When David's Michal was disobedient and rebellious, breaking her marital covenants with him, God did not fault him for taking more wives/ concubines. I believe you have no scripture for your point. >>>> S : Your first wife is right - your first marriage will not survive if you continue to adulterate it with this other relationship that was entered into outside of the will of God. You may not realize it, but you are seeking to use God's word to justify continuation of a course of action entered into through self-will rather than in obedience to the will of God. No matter how much your heart wants this to be God's will wishing will never make it so. It began as sin - so sin is what it is. >> R: The marriage with M was the Titanic headed for its iceberg (turning in her son) even before I knew PD. All the counsel, classes, seminars and brethren had not saved it. The sexual crisis was building and the iceberg was inevitable (perhaps prayer and fasting could have made the difference--great hind sight). I don't believe the relationship with PD was entered into outside the will of God. Now that you know more of the details, where was the sin? Which scripture was violated? I made very careful that all the promises I made with PD would not violate my wedding covenant with my wife----designed them specifically so that my wife could stand by my side and join me in keeping them for PD. There was no valid reason for my wife to not join me in keeping those promises I made to PD, promises that involved no sex, no sin, no transgression of any scripture. >>>> S : I know that this will hurt both you and PD a lot. But only more hurt can come if you fail to make a clean break and a blessed new start. If you fail to make things right toward your first marriage don't expect to see God's blessing on your life. >> R: Yes. It grieves PD and I very much that my wife is so grieved. I never meant to hurt her and thought she really didn't care, that the relationship and conflicts were unresolvable given the parties involved. PD did her best not to get involved with me until she was very sure that there was no chance of reconciliation with my wife. She told me she would have broken off our relationship if I were to divorce my wife to be with her, PD. Only after I assured her that there was no hope for the marriage did she allow herself to begin to love me and eventually become my concubine. She is deeply grieved by my wife's grief and became my concubine only after I solemnly assured her that there was no hope for the marriage. GOD'S BLESSING? I have been more blessed economically, spiritually, and socially since I made the promises to PD and she became my concubine than in the preceding ten years. My career is at its highest point in my life, my adult children are blessed and bless me, my contrary mother is pleasant and agreeable etc. etc. I agree that a very critical part of receiving God's blessing is how I have diligently continued to seek to honor my wife and our marriage covenant through this crisis, that I have not put her away to take another in adultery. >>>> S : You are in no position to be blessed with a second wife until you have really learned how to cherish and honor the first. >> R: I agree 100%, that is why I am carefully cherishing and honoring both PD and my wife. I love them both dearly, wish they could be sweet sisters in the Lord, and seek the unity of the Spirit in the bond of Peace that only Jesus can give to we his children. (Psa. 133; Eph. 4) >>>> S : Please be assured that I am writing these things out of concern for you as God's own and not as judgmental condemnation. >> R: I know that brother and thank God for His great work in you and your life. I am blessed by you ministry as it causes me to examine myself and run to the Lord for His Word. >>>> S : Please allow God to break your heart. >> R: I have had such a broken, grieving, sad and depressed time this last month or more as I have seen my wife struggling to save our marriage, as we both have gone before the Lord offering Him the broken pieces of our marriage to see if He can put our Humptey Dumptey marriage back together where so many have failed for so long. We are blessed with the best counseling we have had in years, and a deepened awareness of our own damaged selves and faulty communication that led to my expulsion and my journey in the wilderness. Everything is on the altar, presented together and almost daily, our marriage, my relationship with PD, my promises to PD, our lives. We come before our Father as his little children asking Him to father us. We come before our faithful Shepherd as dumb sheep not knowing which way to turn but trusting Him completely to put us where He wants us with whom He wants us. We come before Him as humble servants who don't know the details of our Lord's will, nor His specific will for us at this time, trusting Him to instruct us as His servants, telling us what we need to know to serve and please Him. My wife says that now she has peace about me keeping my promises to PD, since they are non-sexual and not sinful, but she still can't accept PD as my concubine. She doesn't want to share me. I can't blame her. Her reaction is perfectly normal. I still believe that I am bound the promises and our covenant when I accepted her as my concubine. >>>> S : In fear and trembling before the Lord, your brother, -S >> R: In fear and trembling before our just and holy God, and our merciful Savior. at lovenchosen@hotmail.com ***************************************************** JOHN AND R AND UNPLANNED POLYGYNY. >>>J. First let me say it is not an absolutely clear cut issue in my opinion. And some compassion is needed for all three of you. >R. Amen! and Thank You! >>>J. Had your agreements with your first wife been such at the outset as to permit you at anytime at your discretion to seek another wife, then seeking this lady would not have been a problem with your agreements. R>R. Our wedding covenant was worded in such a way to allow for the possible return of my exwife who had left me years before. My present wife married me with the understanding that if B. was trully born again and so bound to me as long as we both live, that if she "repented" and wanted me to be husband to her again I would be able to be husband to her as well as to me present wife. My present wife agreed to this because she was positive B. would never return to me and really wanted no part of polygyny. >>>J. Second, of course I must agree that entering into a relationship in sin, is not good, but must disagree as to the solution, once the thing is done. >R. As you will see below I do not believe that the relationship was entered into in sin. Agreed about once the thing is done. >>>J. You see I do not know if the woman you met is an unbeliever., second even that item is not as clear cut as many think it to be. It is always good to be evenly yoked. And to marry in the Lord is the ideal. >R. Both P and M claim to be sincere believers in the Lord Jesus Christ. >>>J. Yet we have much of biblical history showing both good and bad marriages entered inot in the Lord and out of the Lord. Ruth the Moabitess is a great example >R. I agree 100%. God works all things according to the counsel of His own will (Eph. 1:11) and we know Rom. 8:28. He can take our disasters/dead bones/ defeats/sins and turn them to His glory. >>>J. Again many in this country indeed have entered into marriage only after having had sexual relations. I would advise none of them to leave each other simply because they entered into the covenants in a less than perfect state. >R. Amen and Amen!!! Praise God for His abundant mercy and grace that breathes life into dead bones and makes precious intruments out of broken vessels. >>>J. Having said all that in general let us look at particulars, You should not have entered into covenant with the woman and done sin in the flesh. This needs to be repented of. You should establish whether the wife (the first one) is a believer, for if not when she left she was free to go. If yes (and here you must be very honest with yourself and God), she must be kept, unless she has slept with another. >R. I believe that even is she had slept with another we would still be bound to one another as long as both live (1Cor7:39)but Mat. 18:15-18 + 1 Cor. 5:5-11 + 2 Thess 3:6-14 would certainly be the order of the day. In Mat. 5 and the NT Jesus never commanded anyone to divorce their mate for adultery, and His Mat. 5 statement was made while He and His Jewish brethren were still observing Deut 24 which was given to the Jews for the hardness of their hearts. (see Matt. 23:11-3). >>>J. However, your covenants with the first (as long as they do not violate Biblical principles) cannot easily be brushed off. Here again you must be very repentant and seek God's will, not your own. Now if God indeed has willed it then you must weigh the consequences of taking the wife, of losing the other, as all men who enter into polygamy must consider that this could happen even in the best of circumstances. Some eggs cannot be unbroken. This is one. You have covenants with both. And as far as is in your power in my opinion you ought to keep them, unless the second is pulling you into idolatry or the like. Idolatry is considered by God as a form of adultery. Otherwise, you must also be totally honest with both, and decide at this juncture after prayer and fasting what is God's will for you, for His will is not always the same for every saint in similar circumstances. >R. Thank you and amen about the non-sinful covenants. The consequences have been weighed and placed on the altar before God. I as Abraham and they as Issac on the altar-----and I wait for the angel and the ram in the bush. My God is able and I am His child-- ---He will Father me! >>>J. I do feel for you, and will pray for you, and for the second and the first to find a way, or else for God to make a way. Sometimes, he will cause one to leave or the other. I do not know His Will for you, only you can know that. I can point out the sinful imperfections of your actions so that you might repent, but I must also look at the solutions as being absolutely Biblical and correct. To sin a second sin by breaking covenant, is no soution to the first sin. Even Joshua had to accept the Gibeonites in the camp when against God's direct command he was tricked by them (the devil) to make a covenant with them. Leave the door open to both and love each of your wives where you can, the rest is in God's hands. >R. M and P and I trust God to have His way and make His way through this marital wilderness that I led us into. Repentance has been 2 Cor 7 real and continues. I praise God for your insight into our covenants before the Lord. The only instance I know where vows can be broken is in the case of Numb. 30 where the father can disallow the child's vows and the husband can disallow the wife's vows, so we being the children of the Father and members of the Bride of Christ ---- and we not being our own but bought with a price (what master cares about the vows of a slave), we have not right to vow to sin, to disobey our FAther's explicit specific will----we have not right as the bride of Christ to vow to sin to disobey our Groom----so I believe He disallows any vows we make to sin, to disobey clear, explicit and specific scripture in the Word of God. I am seriously loving both to the best of my ability as God enables. He is doing an incredible work of grace in M's heart! I stand amazed at His working. I have prayed that if P is of Him that He would give M His compassionate Love for her---He has given it to her for me in this trial of faith---perhaps He will even give it to her for P. God bless you brother. I thank God for you and S and your ministry. L. at Lovenchosen@Hotmail.com If you need such counsel, please contact the following and look to God, doing 1Thess 5:21 and John 14:15. Beloved M , I know that you have, and will probably always reject my beliefs about polygyny, marriage and divorce. You have never even taken the time to seriously read what I believe even though it is right there in your computer. I really believe what I believe. I really believe I have to share what I believe because of the false and unbiblical teaching of the compromised church about divorce and remarriage. You are unable to join me in this "cause celebre", this vision of mine. Both my belief and myself are now reproaches to you, shaming and embarrassing you. I am proud of what I believe, that St. Augustine believed what I believe and that a significant number of Christians around the world believe what I believe. I believe that my ministry can open the door for the polygynous in the third world to find their place in Christ and His Church. It is and has been a grievous thing to the Spirit of God that polygynists turning to Christ around the world have been told that they had to abandon/reject their beloved wives, or consider some of their wives as sinful and their children by them to be illegitimate. If I can show one such child of a Christian polygynist that he/she is not illegitamte, if I can show one wife of a Christian polygyist that she is not a sinner in their polygynous marriage, if I can keep one Christian polygynist husband from rejecting/abandonning his wives-----then my efforts will not be in vain I will have fulfilled my vision. This vision is not shared by you. So I love you but I fear that I have done that which will cause me to lose you because I don't know what else to do honorably before God. You will grow weary of the grief. Your grief over us will turn to anger, rejection and repudiation of me; and your respect for me will become contempt and shame unless God miraculously intervenes. **M: I see you as a most kind and loving husband; gentle and tender. I have bonded with you which is evidenced in the excruciating pain you are causing me. I want to love you in every way I can. In my heart I know I have been the best wife to you that I know how to be. I have grown and become less volatile. I have learned much from you. I still hope to grow in my love for you as the years progress. >>R: I have learned much from you. I still hope to grow in my love for you as the years progress. I am glad my love for you was "most kind loving". I asked for God's help and He enabled. You felt more loved than you ever had in your life and that made me feel I had served/cherished you well. **M: Respect: to feel or show honor or esteem for me. That was also in our marriage covenant (a binding agreement). Are you doing that when you become emotionally involved with other women? The thought of another man touching me is repulsive to me because I am yours and yours alone. No other man may enter my heart because it is occupied with you. To befriend a single man would be opening myself to temptation. I love God and you too much so I choose not to do that. >>R: I meant no disrespect when I became emotionally (not sexually) involved with other women. I hoped that we together could accept them as our friends. Perhaps unconsciously I became emotionally involved with them because my passion for you had died and I believed our marriage was doomed. I carefully avoided adultery fornication with them, but I know that is not enough for you. Perhaps they were part of plan "B". **M: I believe deep down your feelings of inferiority convinced you I would not love you forever. My loss of temper reinforced what you already believed deep down and the fear of not having your sexual needs met caused the door of temptation to be opened. The sin began with D M unless there were others before her I don't know about. Because you closed down emotionally to me you opened yourself up to others to fill the need. " But a person is tempted when he is drawn away and trapped by his own evil desire (distorted thinking?). Then his evil desire conceives and gives birth to sin; and sin, when full-grown gives birth to death."James 1:1415. >>R: You are probably right about my feelings of inferiority. I have always had trouble believing that the women I have loved, even my wives, really loved me. Yes I opened myself up to others to fill the need of being loved and cherished by a woman I respect and admire. I did not open myself up for sin, fornication or adultery, in thought or in deed, because I carefully avoided those sins. Avoiding lustful thoughts, thinking solely of their beauty and charm, I thought of them while we made love so I could give you the orgasm you wanted so much from me. P. llip, the Christian counselor, told me this was a common and satisfactory solution if acceptable to both parties. You told me I could think of whoever I wanted just as long as I was able to climax with you. My desire was to satisfy you sexually and give you the climax you desired. That is not an evil desire. **M: The husband is to take authority over the spirits of darkness that come against your family. But how can this happen when he insists that polygamy is honored by God. His own thinking is overpowered by the spirits of darkness. Are you afraid you'll become a rapist if your sexual needs are not met so you must ensure a back-up vagina just in case? That's what it looks like. Don't you trust Jesus to meet your needs? What does being a Christian really mean to you? >>R: God Himself instituted polygamy in Exodus 21:9,10,11; and Deut. 21:15,16,17. He portrayed Himself as a polygynist in Ezek. 23. In Matt. 23:1-7 Jesus ordered His disciples to observe these laws, including the laws about polygyny, and they did observe them (Acts 15) until God released the believing Jews from the Sinai Law in Colos 2 and Eph. 2, after half of the books of the New Testament had been written. Yes I believe that polygyny is honored by God. A Christian is one who loves and obeys the Word of God (1Jn 2:1-5). That is what I'm trying to do. **M: I also see hope if you are willing to allow the Holy Spirit to renew your mind and no longer be conformed to the pattern of the world which says she hurt me so it's OK if I find someone else who will love me. You may call the person a concubine but no matter how you rationalize it, it violates your covenant words to me, "Do you leave your parents and loyally bond with her to be one in marriage submitting to each other in reverence to God." >>R: Does Jesus statement ÒThe two shall become one fleshÓ mean that only one man and one woman should become one flesh, as in monogamy>57 , as most of the "leaders" maintain? The Spirit uses ÒThe two shall become one fleshÓ principle in 1 Corinth. 6 to show Òthat he who is joined to a harlot is one body with herÓ , and then uses the same Òone fleshÓ principle in Eph. 5 about a husband and his wife. Jerome (340-420AD) didn't indicate any problem understanding the possibility when he wrote, "Lamech, a man of blood and a murderer, was the first who divided one flesh between two wives.">58 [Footnotes:>.57 Please see THE INSTITUTES OF BIBLICAL LAW, by R. Rushdonney, p. 363. >.58 A Select Library of the Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers of The Christian Church, Vol. VIII; p. 358.] Since the harlot is one flesh with every fornicator she has sexual union with and the husband is one flesh with his wife, the Òone fleshÓ principle is not unique to marriage and cannot be an argument for monogamy or against polygyny . The Òone fleshÓ principle is physical reality that describes only the result of sexual union, whether it involve a harlot, a fornicator, a married couple or a polygamous marriage. David, Israel and Abraham were Òone fleshÓ with each of their wives, just as the adulteress of Prov. 6 & 7 was one flesh with each of her adulterers. Under the Law by Moses, being Òone fleshÓ could have been the basis for marriage>11 but not so for us after the Sinai Law of Moses was declared voided in Eph. 2 and Col. 2, especially in the case of 1 Cor. 7:9; 1 Tm. 5:11-14. If we do not control ourselves today, we are commanded to marry>12 , but who to marry is not specified, only that your mate be saved>13 and godly>14. [Footnotes: >11 (Deut. 22:22-30; Ex. 22:16,17). >12 1 Cor. 7:9,36; 1 Tim 5:14; Appendix Six of this document. >13. 2 Corinthians 6. .>14 1 Corinthians 5:9-11; 2 Thess. 3:6-14] Being one flesh, as Eph. 5:22-33 shows, is one of the best motives for the husband being good and godly to his wife. A Christian elder apparently maintains that godly equality is possible only in a monogamous marriage, and that polygamy increases women's subordination.>59 He apparently believes that the harmony and unity of Gen. 2:24 is unable to develop in a polygamous marriage, and that monogamy best reflects Christ's love to the Church>60. How did I miss that? Was it the blissful and enraptured love the Shulamite had for her Solomon who loved and adored her in their polygynous marriage>15? Was it Abigail who gave up her wealthy independence as Nabal's widow in order to be David's wife in a polygynous marriage? [Footnotes:>59. Trobisch; MY WIFE MADE ME A POLYGAMIST; p21ff. >60. Trobisch; MY WIFE MADE ME. . . . P. 25. >15 (Song of Sol. 6)] I understand a Christian elder to state that in monogamy both leave and both cleave, becoming one flesh, and this is only possible for two marital partners, therefore polygamy is excluded by the Biblical idea of equality>61. He gives no scripture reference for this position, and I don't believe he would be able to do so. Statistics show that most Christian monogamous marriages fail to maintain this harmonious equality, and again because of sin and the flesh. There is no claim that in polygyny three "become one", but indeed the husband does become one flesh with each of his wives>18 and the fornicator becomes one flesh with each harlot with whom he fornicates>19 . There is no reason why a polygynist and his wives/concubines could not attain to the level of the saints in the early church where they shared all that they had, and had all things in common>20 in a sweet and loving harmony. In the Lord any family, even a polygynous family, can achieve that unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace>21 . [Footnotes:>61. Trobisch; MY WIFE MADE ME. . . >. P. 49ff. >18 (Matt. 19). >19 (1 Cor. 6:12-20). >20 Acts 4. >21 (Phil. 4:13;Eph. 4:1-5; Psalm 133 and Acts 3 & 4)] **M: This pattern of needing and seeking other women began long before you met me and unfortunately will continue long after me unless you make a choice to stop it with God's help and grace and cleave unto me alone with God's help and grace. You also admitted that you did sexual things in the past that you thought were right according to scripture only to find that you were dead wrong. Do you know you have been forgiven and can be forgiven today? I forgave you for your sexual involvement with P knowing that you were emotionally distraught but to proceed to exchange vows with her without asking me if our marriage was over was dead wrong. You tell me you love me but can only have an orgasm with me by thinking about P who you do not love but care deeply about. What is the truth R? Until you ask God (and me) to forgive you, you are living a lie. >>R: I entered into marital covenant with P only after I was persuaded that there was no hope for our reconciliation because of the promises I made to P. That has not changed. You still cannot accept either my promises to P, or my keeping of the promises to P. I know of no way to be honorably and righteously released from the promises, so the obstacle of the promises remains and is real, so real they will probably cause you to renounce and reject me as husband. Since you will never accept the promises and since I shouldn't break them, your rejection of me is inevitable without the miraculous intervention of God. He has not yet intervened. I love and deeply care about both you and P, but she is on the altar and if God removes her I will sadly accept it until my soul recovers and sees His way and wisdom in it. You are also on the altar, because you may not be able to join me in my beliefs and "ministry" about divorce, remarriage and polygyny---which is in oppositon to the "at ease in Zion" American Christian church that has become so conformed to the world that it tolerates the divorce and remarriage of believers almost as commonly as in the unsaved society. **M: We are both broken and insecure R and we do need each other but our only chance of seeing old age together (which you know is the desire of my heart) is putting each other first; emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually. It means being emotionally involved on a sexual level with only each other. Otherwise our marriage bed is defiled. >>R: I don't believe polygyny is a defilement of the marriage bed, and there is not one scripture in the whole Bible that says that. **M: When we married I accepted your view that is not pleasing to God to put away your wife and I accepted that you should help them should there be an emergency. I felt so secure in your love that your helping them would not jeopardize your love for me. I did not accept that you could find a substitute for me when the going got rough. If we had been living apart and I was unwilling to go to counseling to resolve our problems and restore our marriage and if I had been denying you sexually then I could understand your looking for another. But you did not even ask me what my feelings were. Because of past rejection you assumed you were unloved and free to look for another wife. You forgot that I am a Christian and believe I am married to you till death do us part. >>R: I thought I knew what your feelings were. All I could see was (1) a wife who told me to leave and sink (including death) or swim (get a job acceptable to you)--all in violation of most of our wedding covenant---which I considered to be trashed by you edict; and (2) a wife who rejected promises I made foolishly but sincerely, which promises violated none of our wedding vows. Your refusal to let me honor those promises persuaded me that our marriage was doomed. **M: So are promises made contrary to scripture (we were still bound to one another at the time the promises were made to another) to be honored? Or should you beg forgiveness from God and repent? If your wife is suffering from what you have sewn with another is it right to continue sewing? NO, it's not. >>R: I don't believe any of the promises (1) were made contrary to scripture, (2) involved the disobedience of any scripture. They were foolishly made, but enough thought was put in them so that they involved no sexual sin, no violation of scripture, and could have been kept by you and I together as a ministry to a poor sister in the Lord. **M: It's time for God and counselors to reveal to you why you acted the way you did learn from your mistakes and start the rebuilding process. I not only fear for your physical/mental well being should you continue in this emotional attachment to another woman but I fear for your salvation. >>R: I realize that my life is on the line, and yet God continues to bless me more than he has in decades. **M: If you believe Romans 13:1-2 and the state of California forbids polygamy are you not bringing judgment on yourself by refusing to abandon your false belief? Is your conscience so dulled that you feel no guilt at all over your stand to have more than one sexual partner? >>R: Polygamy is illegal in America, but concubinage is not illegal. Concubinage, having a concubine in informal marriage by informal covenant, violates no city, county, state or federal law that I am aware of. So it is not a violation of Rom. 13, and not a sin. **M: Nov. 5, 1996 Dear Dr. B, Please find enclosed R's last words to me. Despite our 90 minute visit with a wonderful Pastor and his wife and their pointing out his deceptive thinking (demonic stronghold), R writes this! It seems the night he stormed out of your office was the night he exchanged vows with P and she became his "concubine"! What Biblical grounds does he have to do this? I am heart broken and have told him not to return unless he will forsake all others and cleave to me. I wonder if God is in fact delivering me from a most troubled individual. I'm angry at myself for being taken in by his charm and not acknowledging the warning signs at the beginning of the relationship. R will not listen to reason so I give up. He cried last night and said he wished he had not made those promises and yet writes this garbage this morning. He is covering up the sin of adultery using scripture, right? How the Holy Spirit must grieve. Oh, they haven't gone all the way yet because she wants to wait a year to make sure he'll not leave her like the other three fathers of her children (whom she was never married to). So, he must be hanging in there for 4 more months! And, she's a Christian of course. It is so ludicrous. I was pleased to hear Pastor G call R's distorted thinking a "demonic stronghold" because that was the insight the Holy Spirit gave me months ago which I shared with you. I had wanted to make numerous appointments with other Pastors so R could hear the proper interpretation of the Bible but G said it would be a waste of time. I would say this deceived way of thinking re: polygamy has been reinforced since the 50's.[ R has believed it since the 60's] I can only let go and let God. He alone can "bring him to his senses" like the prodigal son but in the meantime I must get on with my life. I truly hope the man is saved and if the Lord is chastening him with sickness then he is courting disaster by refusing to give P up. I praise God for allowing his "sin to find him out." I feel the truth is evident and the deception has been exposed. [ Not to R yet] I'm just so sorry he is unable to see it. I pray that the Lord drive out the principalities of darkness that are keeping him captive. Please call me. Thank you so much.M. **M: R, I believe I was chosen by God for you (He put such a love in my heart for you that morning at H) and I believe you were also put in my life by Him (the way you ended up at J). But you are putting me aside emotionally for another and this dishonors God. You can call it any name you like but the truth is, it is sin. The God I am submitted to calls it adultery and fornication. You can heap more guilt on your head by pursuing this relationship or you can stop now and live committed to me as God would have you. >>R: Is adultery? Maybe in Webster's dictionary and in the congregations of most of the compromised and worldly Christian churches of today. It is not adultery according to the Bible:Adultery for the man: 1. "Whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery", obviously because she still is bound to the husband from whom she is divorced. [>.^151. Mat. 5:32; 19:9; except in the cases of 1 Cor. 7:12-15,39; 1 Tim. 5:14.] 2. "Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery." The adultery consists of divorcing his wife for something else besides sexual immorality AND then remarrying. If he stayed married to his wife and married another, he became a polygynist. On the other hand, it is implied here that if he divorces his wife for sexual immorality and marries another, he does not commit adultery. His divorcing her does not cause her to commit adultery because she is already immorally sexually involved with someone else. His refusal to meet her sexual needs (1 Cor 7:2-5) does not cause her to be immoral because she is already being immoral. He is commanded not to be intimate with her (1Cor.5:11) but his lack of her intimacy will cause him to be tempted (1 Cor.7:5). If the temptations overcome him and he is faling to control himself, burning with marital desire, he comes under command to marry (1Cor.7:9) and so remarries in the Lord.[ Footnote: >152. Matt 19: 9: Mark 10:11; Luke 16:18.152.] 3. "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her." Mark 10:11 Pretty clear, right? But please note that nowhere in the Bible does He say "Whoever remains married to his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her." Why? Remembering that when Jesus walked on earth He Himself commanded the apostles and His disciples to observe and obey all of the Law of Moses>a., including the Laws about polygyny cited in the following, and that the apostles and Jewish believers kept and observed all the Laws given to Moses (including those about polygyny) through the entire book of Acts>b. period up until God released the apostles and believing Jews from the Law of Moses in Ephesians 2 and Colosians 2, consider the following facts: (1) Immediately after God gave Moses the ten commandments He gave Moses instructions for men who have more than one wife>14. . (2) Later He gave Moses instructions (Dt.12:1ff) for a husband who has two wives>15. . (3) He gave Moses specific instructions for the brother-in-laws of a widow and did not exempt any brother who was already married>16. and Jesus introduced no such exemption when He spoke of this passage>17. (4) God Himself told polygynist King David (he had ten +/- wives and concubines at the time>18. ) that He had been with him wherever he had gone, that He would make a great name for him, that his descendant would be the Messiah>19. , and that He Himself had given David more than one wife>20. (5) God, who cannot sin and never portrays Himself as sinning, portrayed Himself as the polygynist husband of two wives in Ezekiel 23. [Footnotes: >a. Matthew 23:1-3 >b. In Matthew 23:1-3 Jesus commands obedience to the Laws give n to Moses. In Acts 15 the believing non-Jews, not the believing Jews, were released from the Laws given to Moses. In Acts 21:15-25 we see the Jewish apostle Paul and the surviving apostles still obeying the Law of Moses in obedience to Christ in Matt. 23:1-3. >14. Exodus 21:7-11 (See Hosea 3:2; Deut. 25:5-10; Lev. 19:20) >15. Deut. 21:15-17 (See 2 Chron. 24:3; Gen. 29:33; 1 Chron.5:2; 26:10; 2 Kings 2:9) >16. Deut. 25:5-10 >17. Matt. 22:23-25; Mark 12:18-20; Luke 20:27-29 >18. 2 Samuel 5:13; 6:12-23 >19. 2 Samuel 7:8-17 >20. 2 Samuel 12:8 ; that this did not mean platonic care is evident from 1 Kings 1:1-3; 2:13-25.] 4. "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.">153. "You shall not lie carnally with your neighbor's wifeÓ>154. "For this is the will of God. . . ..that no one should take advantage of and defraud/cheat his brother in this matter.Ó>155. A genuine Christian wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives and she becomes an adulteress when she marries another while he still lives. [Footnotes:>153. Exod. 20:17. >154. Leviticus18:20. >155. 1 Thess. 4:3-6.] Adultery for the female is sexual intimacy with anyone else besides her own husband/mate. Adultery for the male is when (1) he is married to a new wife and had left/rejected/divorced his former wife in order to marry this new wife>99 . ; or (2) is sexually intimate with some one elseÕs wife. It is this double standard that allowed Abraham, Jacob, David and Joash to be godly polygamists, but declared a woman to be an adulteress if she was intimate with anyone but her own mate. It is a double standard for the man and the woman, just like polygyny was/is a double standard for the man and the woman. The same sin is defined differently for the woman and differently for the man. See more on this below. [Footnotes:>99 It is the combination of divorcing one's mate in order to marry another and then marrying that other. If he both dutifully keeps his own wife and then marries another woman, it is polygyny and not adultery. If the wife dutifully keeps her own husband and marries another it is adultery (Romans 7:3) The double standard is clearly laid out in Matt. 5:32 and 19:6-9; Mark 10:1-11; Luke 16:18; 1 Thess. 4:4-6 and Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinth. 7:39] **M: Some deficit in your being causes you to seek out other women- usually poor and black-to nurture you. You do everything to avoid pain. Your high is women. >>R: That may be so. If it is so I don't understand why, unless I'm unconsciously trying to get "B" (mother of my children) back, or trying to make up for my failure with "L" (my first wife). All I know is that I have a deep emotional and irrational longing for a Black wife, and I know that no rich or middle class Black Christian lady would give polygyny with me a second thought. I knew I would be bound to you in marriage for life, so any woman I married would have to accept me in polygyny,still bound to you. Only a desperate and lonely Black lady would even seriously consider it. No one else would have me, still bound to you before the Lord, with you not wanting me as husband because of the promises I made to P. **M: So, will you choose to deal with this emotional deficit and seek help and emotional healing or will you keep running from woman to woman when the tough gets going? >>R: When my marriages to B, to D and you were whole and sound I had no desire for or need of any other. I was prepared for it to be just you and me till death part us. Only after "the incident" did my passion for you die and get lost in the fragments and compartments of my unglued mind. **M: I pray for divine healing for your mind and emotions and reconciliation with you that will require weekly counseling, support groups and accountability. I love you R and I am committed to you alone. >>R: I also pray for that divine healing and reconciliation. It will be a real miracle if you remain committed to me, if I am not released from the promises I made to P. **M: Nov. 15, 1996 Dear H, After listening to your show today I thought you might be able to help me. After you read this please read what my husband put on the Internet. I truly believe he is in a demonic stronghold and don't know what a Christian wife is to do in this situation. I was raised Catholic in my childhood and am under the mindset that you don't give up and you don't divorce. But since he feels he has made promises to another woman and can't give her up am I condoning sin by allowing him to come home on his days off? He finally got a teaching job 120 miles away and has a little apartment there. I believe I married a very intelligent "Christian" man with distorted and sometimes destructive thinking. Because of "poor reality contact" (according to the counselor we have been seeing since March) R's feelings and actions are not based on fact but what he thinks is fact. The consequences of his distorted thinking are causing me pain and sorrow. I know that this pattern of seeing the worst in everything and in selected people (like my children) started many years ago before I ever knew him. [ R hopes for the best (plan A), but feels he must mentally prepare for the worst(plan B)] However, let me go back to the incident that turned the tide in R's eyes. He did not have a steady job for the first eight months of our marriage so I was the breadwinner. I also had a daughter who was so jealous of his taking my time away from her that she was very demanding. My son was also returned to me, out of control having lived with his Dad in New Zealand for five years. My step-daughter told R. they had a wall up against me so no matter how friendly I was I was rejected. Although I loved this man more deeply than any other human being in the world, a year after our wedding I snapped and told him I felt that his daughter who was living with us and treating me most coldly should live with her mother in Georgia. [ R. understood me to have told him that his daughter had to go for the marriage to survive. He felt I was wrong and unfair to his daughter. He felt he and his daughter would therefore have to leave and the marriage would not survive.] He interpreted that as rejection of HIM as well as her and started looking for alternative living quarters which I knew nothing about. I never wanted him to leave only his daughter who would not even talk to me! [ R. says I exaggerate. R says she was deliberately quiet around me so as not to provoke or upset me] So, from that moment on he put up a wall and could no longer love me passionately. [ R says he did not consciously put up that wall] He had to think of "previous wives" to have an orgasm with me. When he told me this I probably didn't believe him since he "acted" lovingly towards me. I remember flippantly saying I didn't care what was going through his head as long as he made love to me. I never realized how damaging the consequences would be. So, because of my hurt and frustration which came out in a blast (which I forgot about soon after!) he cannot feel safe with me and is unable to love me with his all. Because of his great fear of being hurt and rejected I don't think he would truly love any woman in the true sense of the word. I also believe he is so self-absorbed evidenced in behaviors I will share I don't think he loves anyone but himself. Because the wall was up, the door was open for other women to enter and they did - physically, emotionally and now most recently sexually. So for 4 years I think everything is fine other than his inability to hold a job[ R was employed full time 3 out of the five years of the marriage] only to find that his need to help "poor black women" is more than mere charity. Last February after I felt he betrayed me regarding my son I told him he must move out. I would no longer support him or his daughter. I didn't say I didn't love him. I didn't say I wanted a divorce. I just said I'm not paying for everything anymore. His distorted thinking again told him the marriage was over and within a week he met a poor black woman at the supermarket who saved him. In the meantime I believe that with some good counseling and his getting a job our marriage will be terrific again. In the months that followed our separation I proceeded to clean and restore my house. R is a very messy person and the whole house was cluttered and dirty. I couldn't live like that. So emotionally I felt great - the best I'd felt in a long time. I had control again and my environment was orderly. After a month of counseling I had such a renewed love for my husband and asked him to spend the night. He acted very strangely and confessed that he[ once] had oral sex with this woman and wouldn't make love with me until she had had an AIDS test (which he gave her $100 for!). I was heart broken but forgave him and we eventually resumed marital oneness. Then I pieced together things he said and realized that despite having moved back home last August he was still building and nurturing a relationship with this woman. When I said he must no longer see her he said he had made promises to her that he couldn't break. I pointed out that since he had made a marriage covenant with me he was not free to make promises to another in the first place. No matter how much you "reason" with him he is determined not to break his promises. So, because of wrong thoughts (about the status of my love for him and our marriage) he developed wrong feelings for another which are now leading to wrong actions with her. Because he didn't think I wanted him for my husband (he didn't ask me personally) he proceeded to exchange marriage vows with this woman and now he truly believes he is bound to both of us for life. He sees no condemnation of Polygamy in the Bible and thinks it's perfectly alright to be emotionally and intimately involved with two women. He believes the "should only have one wife" in the New Testament only applies to elders and deacons and the "each man should have his own wife" means own wife one at a time - you don't bring all your wives together! I don't share my husband and despite King David being a man of God and having 7 wives and 7 concubines, I live in the USA in 1996 and will not condone his infidelity. To him his actions are perfectly alright - it's not infidelity or adultery!. How deceived he is. So the bottom line is this: are his promises valid as he thinks, can he give up all emotional ties to present and previous women and cleave unto me and can the wall come down so he can passionately love me again like he should? Looking forward to hearing from you. **M: Dec. 4, 1996 Dear D, R left this for me to read and said I could send you a copy. The R and L refer to our middle names in the letter. I think his friend hit the nail on the head. We both said it was sin but S explained why and R is giving it great thought. I feel the following scenario makes sense out of the mess. R has a ¥ fear of abandonment[ and affection deprivation] from infancy which leads to his ¥ being self-absorbed ¥ dependent personality disorder ¥ need to be needed in order to feel loved ¥ when I suggested his daughter live with her mother he ¥ assumes I don't want him either (NOT true!) ¥ realizes he must not be needed ¥ finds comfort by bonding emotionally with less fortunate, black, single, women who need him ¥ hence distancing emotionally from me despite going through loving actions ¥ sets himself up for an affair- at least of the emotions. I didn't marry R because I needed him. I married him because I wanted to love him and honor him all the days of my life. Because my son A is grown, he doesn't think I need him anymore - so he finds others who need him. Why doesn't he feel safe and secure in my love and life? Because I'm capable and financially independent? [ R. fears my wrath and reviling, and my rejection] Are these 'helpless' women feeding an addiction of the need to feel significant/needed? Thus he feels loved, appreciated, looked up to and in control. If they need him they won't abandon him. In the meantime he is not growing emotionally nor loving and accepting himself as he is. Alone he feels insignificant, inadequate, without identity. Why can't he stand on his own two feet and enjoy life? Why must he always have a woman?[ R has a high testosterone level that results in the "burning" that requires marriage (1Cor.7:9) and results in demonic temptations when deprived of his wife (1Cor.7:4,5). Without a wife he has a great struggle to remain pure and expects God to supply the wife/marriage that is His solution] By caring for these women he feels important and in control of the relationship. I wonder if giving up these women is as hard as an alcoholic giving up booze. They are his comfort. If he is willing to move towards the ability to be happy and content on his own-to grow emotionally- and will stay sexually pure then I am in there for the long haul. I was delighted with what he wrote re our covenant and would like to recommit by saying these vows but I think all contact with P must be broken first, don't you? Would you be so kind as to call me when you think major breakthroughs have been gained? Thank you so much. >>R: Beloved M., I am so sorry for what we have lost as a result of both of our sins. I believe that there is, at the present time, no hope for our marriage, short of miraculous intervention by God. You will never be able to accept me keeping the promises I made to P. and I feel that I must keep them to be acceptable to God. Believing that the marriage was doomed because of my promises to P., I accepted P. as concubine. I believe that she shares your 1 Cor. 7:2,3,4,5 authority over me as husband and that I must recognize and accept that authority to please God. P. and I are intimate maritally, without coition, almost every week. I know that this grieves you and offends you. I believe that you will not tolerate or accept this. I remain your devoted husband, willing to express that love and cherish you whenever you give me the opportunity, believing I am bound to you in the Lord as long as we both live. R. III. THE TURNING POINT, ACTING ON FAITH AND THE WORD Beloved M. Please read and consider what I have to say in this letter. I know you would not let me say this to you over the phone, probably not even to your face, but perhaps you will at least read it. At least read the end about this Christmas. Perhaps I am old-fashioned and outdated in my ideas, but I really believe these scriptures: ". . . but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man. . . He took one of his ribs. . . and. . . fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man." Gn.2:20-22 WHY? She was to be "a helper suitable for him." Man had no suitable helper so God made woman to be his suitable helper. This is God's design for women, especially for wives. "To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you shall bring forth children; yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." Gn.3:16 As one wise Bible teacher said, If Eve would have loved God enough, she wouldn't have eaten the fruit. If she had loved Adam enough, she would have consulted him before deciding to eat the fruit. Adam knew and loved God but he loved his imperfect and fallen wife so much that he could not refuse the forbidden fruit when she gave it to him. He knew something terrible would happen to her for eating the forbidden fruit and rather than lose her (whom he loved so dearly) and live alone with God again, he chose to suffer the consequences with her rather than let her suffer them alone. He didn't know that God could provide him with another, and he didn't want another he loved her so much, so he "died" with her. He loved her more than God in idolatry, and loved her more than his own life with God. They both failed to seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. Probably the reason the first commandment is to have no other gods before Him, loving Him with all our strenght, heart, mind soul. Probably the reason that Jesus said that if a man did not love Him more than his wife and children, that man would not inherit the kingdom (Luke 14). Because of this, God now tells the husband he must both rule and lovingly cherish his wife, whereas before all he had to do was lovingly cherish her. He must rule and lead her to demonstrate he loves God more than her, risking her resentment and disobedience, and he must lovingly cherish her even if she is resentful and disobedient, a difficult row for anyone to hoe. So much was lost in the garden, but it will be regained in His Kingdom when He returns and rules on the earth from Jerusalem (Rev.20:1- 6). "But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. . . For a man. . . is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman's sake, but woman [was created] for the man's sake. Therefore the woman ought to have authority over her head, because of the angels." 1 Cor.11:3-12 "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to>1. arrange and place yourself under subordinate yourself to bring yourself under the influence of subject yourself to render obedience to your own husbands so that even if any [of them] are disobedient to the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. . . . [beautify yourself by] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle>2. humble considerate unassumingly meek mild and quiet>3. tranquil calm restful modest reserved subdued peaceful spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to>4. arranging and placing themselves under subordinating themselves to bringing themselves under the influence of subjecting themselves to rendering obedience to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way>5. according to Christ's Word wisely, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor>6. value her as Christ does prize her as precious as a fellow heir of the grace of life , so that your prayers may not be hindered. To sum up, all should be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing." 1Pt.3:1-8 "Older women likewise are to be reverent . . . teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women to [affectionately] love their husbands, to [affectionately] love their children, [to be] sensible, pure, taking care of household affairs, kind, being subject to>7. being submissive to arranging and placing themselves under subordinating themselves to bringing themselves under the influence of subjecting themselves to rendering obedience to their own husbands, that the Word of God may not be dishonored." Titus 2:2-6 ". . . . . be subject to>8. be submissive to arrange and place yourself under subordinate yourself to bring yourself under the influence of subject yourself to render obedience to one another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves to>9. be subject to be submissive to arrange and place yourself under subordinate yourself to bring yourself under the influence of subject yourself to render obedience to your own husbands, as [you would submit yourself] to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is head of the church, . . . But as the church is subject to>10. submissive to arranged and placed under self-subordinated to self- brought under the influence of self-subjected to rendering obedience to Christ, so also the wives [ought to be] to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, AgapŽ-love your wives, just as Christ AgapŽ-loved the church and gave Himself up for her . . . . each individual among you should also AgapŽ-love his own wife even as himself; and the wife should [see to it] that she respects>11. reveres reverences venerates treats with deference treats with reverent obedience the husband." Eph.5:21-33 Beloved M , I know that I have failed in many ways to be a godly husband to you, but that does not change God's will for you as described here in the Word. So I challenge you to examine yourself (2 Cor.13:5;1Cor.11:28, 30) at this critical time in your life in the Lord and see if you are living according to His Word especially in our relationship. Please do it now. Over our years together you have been disobedient to Christ and His Word by systematically rejecting my spiritual leadership in the home (the Bible studies I knew you needed to be the mother God meant you to be etc.); of my career/work goals and prospects (especially teaching in Christian schools); of my child rearing standards and practices (especially re Adam and Kaley); of my vain attempts to bring the family under a working budget; of my churches; of the saints I enjoy worshipping with and serving; of my desire to minister to the homeless; of my desire to assist widows, single moms, and orphans; of my mother and daughters etc. etc. If you had submitted to my investigation and findings about P. 's silence and reserve (the imperishable quality of a gentle>12. humble considerate unassumingly meek mild and quiet>13. tranquil calm restful modest reserved subdued peaceful spirit (1Pet3:4) at Winona I would not have lost my passionate desire for you nor my joy in making love with you. If you would have submitted to my lead about Adam he wouldn't have broken the laws at Allied Gardens. Because you listened to me he landed up where the Lord could link him up with Ann who was used of God to heal the broken child and teach him how to properly act with his mother. If you would have yielded to me and accepted my lead about the kind of work I wanted after Mt. Erie we wouldn't have landed up with EMS, $3000 plus of debt, and the hellish depression of 1995 that crippled my job seeking efforts. If you would have submitted yourself and yielded to my lead about Adam and the violations of his house arrest Tali would never had to have turned him in and you would never have told me to leave------so I would never have met P . If you had resepectfully honored me and submitted to me you would not have told me unilaterly to leave your house and we could have moved right into Marriage Ministries Int. to find God's way to solve our crisis. If you would have humbly submitted and followed my lead, you could have joined me in a family ministry to P and her children, taking them to church, to the budget movie, helping them with their transportation, and helping them with their finances----and then there would have been no concubine, just a humble and needy sister in the Lord. But I misread your behavior and overreacted, so now there is a concubine with the imperishable quality of a gentle humble considerate unassumingly meek mild and quiet tranquil calm restful modest reserved subdued peaceful spirit, and we seem to be back at the begining with P. at Winona again, with you feeling disrespect and nonacceptance and threatening the end of the marriage if she doesn't go. Every time you have rejected my lead and failed to follow it there have been marriage wrecking consequences, as when Eve chose to taste the forbidden fruit. So contrary to the Word you took command and you told me to leave, the ultimate rejection me as your husband-head and a rejection of the Word of God (lCor.7:4,5). You caused your leader great grief and that is very unprofitable for you (Heb.13:17) so I came to believe that there was no hope for the marriage. I failed to obey Christ in 1 Cor. 7:11 and obeyed you instead of Him, leaving as you requested. Each wR g turn leads to more difficult and grievous consequences. If only you had followed my lead, submitted to my headship in the things in the preceding paragraphs, and joined me as my wife in the keeping of the promises I made to P . If only you had entered into 1 J. 3:15,16, 17, 18 with me for P and her children. We could have ministered together to this family, could have been used of God to mightily bless this struggling family, for the salvation of the children, for the edification of P for the fulfillment of 2 Corinth. 9 for you and me. Is it such a hard thing for a couple to take a family to church Sunday and Wednesday? Is it such a great sacrifice to give 10% of my net income to the family of a desperately needy little sister in the Lord? Is it such a great imposition to enable a poverty stricken family to have a family outing to the $2 movie once a week? Is it such a heavy burden to help such a family with their transportation one day a week? Why couldn't You and I have given P that ride home from work on a cold and stormy night and then go out for late night snack or park at some romantic view on the way home to snuggle and cuddle as young lovers? It is a mystery to me. Why does the desire to help this desperate family need to result in the death of our marriage? I left as you ordered and assumed that the marriage was over because of the unilateral nature of your actions (rejecting totally my headship in the marriage) which, as far as I was concerned, violated and broke our wedding covenants. Because of our irreconcilable differences (your rejection of my spiritual leadership in the home, my career/work goals and prospects, of my child rearing standards and practices, of my vain attempts to bring the family under a working budget, of my churches, of my mother and daughters etc.) I believed there was no hope for the marriage-------and we are where we are today. I believe that I have the absolutely right belief about the fact that Christians couples are maritally bound to each other until death parts them (1Cor.7:10,11,39). I believe that there is not one scripture that condemns or forbids polygyny in the whole Bible, making it a legitimate and Biblical option for Christians all over the earth. I believe that many of the ungodly divorces and remarriages among Christians involve polygyny in their repentance and godly sorrow. I believe that it is a part of my ministry to teach and share what I understand the Bible to say about the permanence of Christian marriage and how polygyny might be involved in the repentance of a Christian brother whose Christian wife divorced him and caused him to marry another Christian sister. How? She divorces him according to 1 Cor. 7:10,11. As a result he lands us tormented and tempted according to 1 Cor. 7:4,5,9. He accepts Christ's command to marry (1Cor.7:4,5,9,36) a Christian sister. Then his first wife repents of her 1Cor.7:11 separation, or repents of her adulterous remarriage (Mark 10:1-15) and in godly sorrow seeks to return to the man she is bound to for life. She is still bound to him maritally in the Lord, still has 1 Cor. 7:3,4 authority over his body, and he must submit and take her back (2Cor.2:5-11) making himself a polygynist. I believe this and have believed this years before we married and told you this before we married. This is my burden, my message, my ministry and you may support me in it as a godly wife, or you may withdraw according to 1 Cor.7:10,11. You may not remarry because the discussion below shows that I am not involved in or practicing adultery, according to the Bible. You say that I am snared in adultery, and I say that you are living and thinking by the paradigms of American culture. If you will examine the following scriptures you will see that God's definition of adultery is not the definition held by America, or by most Christians. VI. ADULTERY DEFINED, A SURPRISE! ISNÕT POLYGYNY ADULTERY? Some say ÒThe same laws apply to both male and female. This is an issue of nature, not role. Therefore all are equal: male and female.Ó Some Bible interpreters are more zealous for unisex doctrines and practices than the bleeding heart liberals who encourage unisex restrooms and coed dorms. God made males and females very different for a reason, and we miss the mark when we fail to recognize the differences He made and instituted. Mary leave/divorces Elias. Some say that this forsaken Elias commits adultery when he marries Sally but the Biblical definition of adultery>143 in Matt. 5:32 and 19:6-9; Mark 10:1-11; Luke 16:18; 1 Thess. 4:4-6 and Romans 7:1-3>143 plainly states the double standard in the definition of adultery. There really are different scriptural laws for men than for women governing marriage and remarriage, and there are different scriptural laws for men than for women defining adultery. Adultery for the woman: 1. "Whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery">144. The reason being that she is still bound to him as wife.>145. [Footnote: >144 Mat. 5:32; 19:9; Luke 16:18; except in the cases of 1 Cor. 7:12-15,39; 1 Tim. 5:14. >145. 1 Cor. 7:10, 11, 39; Romans 7:1-3. ] 2. The husband "causes her to commit adultery" when he divorces her for any reason other than sexual immorality>146. The reason being that she is still bound to him as wife.>147 In 1 Corinth. 7:5 we see that her husband "causes her to commit adultery" because her husband is failing to meet her marital needs and the enemy of her soul tempts in her burning need. (On the other hand: The wife is not said to cause her husband to commit adultery when she divorces him for any other reason than sexual immorality.) [Footnote: >146. Matt. 5:32; 19:9. >147 1 Cor. 7:10, 11, 39; Romans 7:1-3.] 3. "And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.">148. The adultery consists of both divorce AND remarriage. The reason being that she is still bound to him as wife.>149. [Footnotes:>148. Mark 10:12. >149. 1 Cor. 7:10, 11, 39; Romans 7:1-3.] 4. "if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.">150 [Footnote: >150. Romans 7:3.] Adultery for the man: 1. "Whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery", obviously because she still is bound to the husband from whom she is divorced. [>.^151. Mat. 5:32; 19:9; except in the cases of 1 Cor. 7:12-15,39; 1 Tim. 5:14.] 2. "Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery." The adultery consists of divorcing his wife for something else besides sexual immorality AND then remarrying. On the other hand, it is implied here that if he divorces his wife for sexual immorality and marries another, he does not commit adultery. His divorcing her does not cause her to commit adultery because she is already immorally sexually involved with someone else. His refusal to meet her sexual needs (1 Cor 7:2-5) does not cause her to be immoral because she is already being immoral. He is commanded not to be intimate with her (1Cor.5:11-15) but his lack of her intimacy will cause him to be tempted (1 Cor.7:4,5,9). If the temptations overcome him and he is failing to control himself, burning with marital desire, he comes under command to marry (1Cor.7:9,36) and so remarries in the Lord. [Footnote: >152. Matt 19: 9: Mark 10:11; Luke 16:18.152. ] 3. "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her." Mark 10:11 Pretty clear, right? But please note that nowhere in the Bible does He say "Whoever remains married to his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her." Why? Remembering that when Jesus walked on earth He Himself commanded the apostles and His disciples to observe and obey all of the Law of Moses>a., including the Laws about polygyny cited in the following, and that the apostles and Jewish believers kept and observed all the Laws given to Moses (including those about polygyny) through the entire book of Acts>b. period up until God released the apostles and believing Jews from the Law of Moses in Ephesians 2 and Colosians 2, consider the following facts: (1) Immediately after God gave Moses the ten commandments He gave Moses instructions for men who have more than one wife>14. . (2) Later He gave Moses instructions (Dt.12:1ff) for a husband who has two wives>15. . (3) He gave Moses specific instructions for the brother- in-laws of a widow and did not exempt any brother who was already married>16. and Jesus introduced no such exemption when He spoke of this passage>17. (4) God Himself told polygynist King David (he had ten +/- wives and concubines at the time>18. ) that He had been with him wherever he had gone, that He would make a great name for him, that his descendant would be the Messiah>19. , and that He Himself had given David more than one wife>20. (5) God, who cannot sin and never portrays Himself as sinning, portrayed Himself as the polygynist husband of two wives in Ezekiel 23. 4. "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.">153. "You shall not lie carnally with your neighbor's wifeÓ>154. "For this is the will of God. . . ..that no one should take advantage of and defraud/cheat his brother in this matter.Ó>155. A genuine Christian wife is bound to her genuine Christian husband as long as he lives and she becomes an adulteress when she marries another while he still lives (1 Cor.7:39). [Footnotes:>153. Exod. 20:17. >154. Leviticus18:20. >155. 1 Thess. 4:3-6.] There are two outstanding cases of God's double standard for men and women: the first is in the matter of separation and divorce and the second is in the matter of remarriage. In the first case God gives the wife instructions not to leave her husband (1Cor.7:10) but then, in the face of the woman's subordinate position in marriage, grants her the second-best option of separating from her husband-for-life (no matter what he may say 1Cor.7:11) on the condition that she remain celibate or be reconciled to her husband-for-life. On the other hand the genuinely Christian husband is told emphatically that he must not SEND his wife AWAY, ASK his wife TO GO AWAY OR LEAVE, RELEASE his wife, AND/or LEAVE his wife----PERIOD!!! There are no exceptions or qualifiers, no separation options for the husband!!! This is the first double standard. Adultery for the female is sexual intimacy with anyone else besides her own husband/mate. Adultery for the male is when (1) he is married to a new wife and had left/rejected/divorced his former wife in order to marry this new wife>99 . ; or when (2) is sexually intimate with some one elseÕs wife. It is this double standard that allowed Abraham, Jacob, David and Joash to be godly polygynists>*, but declared a woman to be an adulteress if she was intimate with anyone but her own mate. It is a double standard for the man and the woman, just like polygyny was/is a double standard for the man and the woman. The same sin is defined differently for the woman and differently for the man. See more on this below. [Footnotes:>99 It is the combination of divorcing one's mate in order to marry another and then marrying that other. If he both dutifull